Four birthdays. Each and everyone of them involved a surprise so intricately planned and carefully executed, inspiring tears, laughter and more than a little love.
The minute hand covered the circumference of the clock faster than I thought it would as I spent my night cutting out pencil outlines of alphabets spelling out "Happy Birthday" that will take their seat on a pink floral piece of paper. Shuffling them around, I realised that my past month was filled with lots of giving to friends in the hopes of making them feel loved while a million miles away from home on their special day.
And as I feel my liveliness ebbing away as the dark pulls on, I couldn't help but wonder if anyone out there would do the same for me. I'm not asking for love or attention, but sometimes it feels like I'm in a marathon race all by myself, each step getting heavier than the last one.
But loneliness has been my constant companion throughout my first year, I'm not sure why I am so afraid to face it now. The emotions that run through the blood in my veins now so different from what they used to be. I can no longer answer any question with enough conviction, not even to myself. What can I do about it aside from just going through the deep dark tunnel searching for my way out? I am now so familiar with this feeling of being utterly lost I'm afraid the dreams will stop.
I guess this is all part of being a student wanting so badly something that she cannot even recognise. But I won't ask for anything, I refuse to. I know I'm proud, but I also know that the universe doesn't owe me anything, as my dad reminds me ever so often. I'll continue to pick up the stones along my path making up experiences that will undoubtedly shape a future for me, one that I can call my own.
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