And the walls will shake as I break away from you...

I have been wanting more than a couple of books for quite some time now. Most of them from going through random books in the store and reading a few pages but not buying any after because sometimes you just can't get what you want. 

Anyway, here are the selection of books I would love to get my hands on. Note, I've added the description from The Book Depository because I can't remember what some are about. All I know is that I added them onto my wish list.

If Nobody Speaks of Remarkable Things

On a street in a town in the North of England, ordinary people are going through the motions of their everyday existence. A young man is in love with a neighbour who does not even know his name. An old couple make their way up to the nearby bus stop. But then a terrible event shatters the quiet of the early summer evening

The Hundred Year Old Man: Who Climbed Out of the Window and Disappeared

It all starts on the one-hundredth birthday of Allan Karlsson. Sitting quietly in his room in an old people's home, he is waiting for the party he-never-wanted-anyway to begin. The mayor is going to be there. The press is going to be there. But, as it turns out, Allan is not...Slowly but surely Allan climbs out of his bedroom window, into the flowerbed (in his slippers) and makes his getaway. And so begins his picaresque and unlikely journey involving criminals, several murders, a suitcase full of cash, and incompetent police. As his escapades unfold, we learn something of Allan's earlier life in which - remarkably - he helped to make the atom bomb, became friends with American presidents, Russian tyrants, and Chinese leaders, and was a participant behind the scenes in many key events of the twentieth century.

One Hundred Names

Journalist Kitty Logan's career has been destroyed by scandal, and she now faces losing the woman who guided her and taught her everything she knew. At her mentor's bedside, Kitty asks her - what is the one story she always wanted to write? The answer lies in a file buried in Constance's office: a list of one hundred names. There is no synopsis, no explanation, nothing else to explain what the story is or who these people are. The list is simply a mystery. But before Kitty can talk to her friend, it is too late. With everything to prove, Kitty is assigned the most important task of her life - to write the story her mentor never had the opportunity to. Kitty has to not only track down and meet the people on the list, but find out what connects them. And, in the process of hearing ordinary people's stories, she uncovers Constance's - and starts to understand her own...

Before I Die

Tessa has just months to live. Fighting back against hospital visits, endless tests, and drugs with excruciating side effects, Tessa compiles a list. It's her To Do Before I Die list. And number one is Sex. Released from the constraints of "normal" life, Tessa tastes new experiences to make her feel alive while her failing body struggles to keep up. Tessa's feelings, her relationships with her father and brother, her estranged mother, her best friend, and her new boyfriend, are all painfully crystallized in the precious weeks before Tessa's time finally runs out. 

Capital

Pepys Road: an ordinary street in the Capital. At forty, Roger Yount is blessed with an expensively groomed wife, two small sons and a powerful job in the City. An annual bonus of a million might seem excessive, but with second homes and nannies to maintain, he's not sure he can get by without it.

Check out my Goodreads page. I sometimes post things on it. However the website itself is pretty awesome.

Savannah Outen House of Cards

Stay beautiful...

Random house with beautiful garden, Durham Market Square, People in Durham Market Square.

1. The one I dreamt about.
2. The one I cried really hard for.
3. The one I initially planned to do.
4. The one that would have been so cool.
5. The one that could have been useful.
6. The one that hurt the most.
7. The one that will hurt next.

I'm not sure how to tell you what this is. I guess that its hard because it hurts, not because its complicated. Quite simply, these are the seven rejections I faced so far from being here for two months. Two months, and I did not even include the ones before. But that's because those are in the past. Just like these will be soon.

Sometimes you have to accept that you are just not good enough. Its not easy and you can try to use comforting words to soothe yourself, but its better to cry it all out and move on.

My dad thinks I'm pushing myself too hard for things I'm not ready to face yet. And the rejections hurts like a slap in the face and God damn it does but I just cannot sit back and let the opportunity pass by. Not even if I know I'm not good enough. 

One more, dad. I promise, I'll try for one more and that will be it. I won't do any of those anymore

Much love...

Self assigned DJ playing really loud horrible selection of songs. Thanks a lot, person who lives on the next block...

Taylor Swift Stay Beautiful

You don't feel pretty...

Flash back to that car drive being stuck in the jam, being hungry, being frustrated, being crazy, being loved. We were four as one understanding and knowing our pains and our gains, our past and future and our choices and wishes. We were so nearly perfect.

There is something, dark about her.

Jeez, you are such a racist.

It is always the same. You get that little thumping of your heart hoping for something new and they'll use the same old words to tell you you are not good enough. They tell you that they wish you all the best and that you will try again in the future. Try again... I have tried, again and again. 

Its hard but I tell myself to move on. I tell myself that I learn from each rejection. I tell myself that I can and will pick myself up from the ground. I tell myself that I am fine.

I tell you that I am fine, so you do not worry about me. But you can see through my cracks and you know I'm lying. But I tell you I am fine because I need to believe it as well. If hang on to the past I would not make it through. It is too painful.

So I say I am fine.

But I remember that I don't even know what I'm chasing for. I remember that all that I toiled for did not bring me the happiness I thought it would. I remember that giving you up was the least of my worries and that it turned out to be the biggest hole in my life. I remember all that I wished for and still want and know that they are just superficial needs. I remember that I need to come back down to the ground and think of all that I already have and all that I already am.

I am so blessed and so loved. I need to remind myself all the time. At the moment it is so hard to do, not when you are so far away and not when I don't get to talk to you whenever I want to. But I will try, for your sake and for mine, I will try.

Because I deserve to be happy.

Much love...

I didn't mean it that way...

Taylor Swift, The Lucky One

That was the first day...

*Knock Knock* *KNOCK KNOCK KNOCK*

WHAT?

IT IS SNOWING!

We ran out of our rooms with little care and warmth because this was too much of an excitement for the wait to put on proper shoes. It was early November and snow was freaking falling from the sky. We never seen it before, not where we come from. And I mean the snow was freaking falling from the sky!

Childhood dreams came true even though we are a little bit off being children, they never go away. We snapped pictures like crazy getting disappointed that it wouldn't show and then trying again and not learning that it still won't show repeating the cycle again and again. And they stood outside looking at us in their gilet and shorts and said Wait till you see the real snow... and laugh at our excitement promising to teach us how to have a proper fight with snow. 

It has not been snowing lately. That night was like a freak accident. But the cold air continues to chill us down to the bones winning the fight of the heat coming of the heater. And we curl up in our beds and duvet feeling so good not wanting to get up for anything.

Winter, I think you are coming.

Much love...

Taylor Swift Holy Ground

You go talk to your friends talk to my friends talk to me...

Red. Such a simple word yet conveying such powerful emotions. According to Taylor Swift, treacherous, sad, beautiful and tragic. I think her latest album is brilliant. I think she is brilliant. 

I shamelessly (and rather proudly) say that I went out to buy her album. Not just any album, but the deluxe edition. Listening through the songs on Red, We are never ever getting back together her first single was rather deceptive of the direction of the album. If Speak Now was brimming with positivity and hope than Red is filled with sad honesty and tragic endings. Still Taylor Swift, but a lot more grown up now.

She has sixteen new songs on the CD which are State of Grace, Red, Treacherous, I Knew You Were Trouble, All Too Well, 22, I Almost Do, We Are Never Ever Getting Back Together, Stay Stay Stay, The Last Time, Holy Ground, Sad Beautiful Tragic, The Lucky One, Everything Has Changed, Starlight, Begin Again. 

The songs on the additional CD are The Moment I Knew, Come Back... Be Here, Girl At Home, Treacherous, Red and State of Grace.

She has grown so much as a musician as can be reflected in the diverse style in her songs. State of Grace is so different to her norm but it is absolutely beautiful. Then we have the more main stream pop styled songs such as We are never ever getting back together. You will not regret buying this CD if you were considering it.

My personal current favourites are State of Grace, Treacherous, Sad Beautiful Tragic, The Lucky One, Begin Again. There are all rather depressing but in them I feel you hear Taylor Swift at her most raw state. Stripped down, honest, real.

With her its all about telling a story and once again she did not disappoint. It seems rather silly but I am excited for the next release of her album. I remember feeling the same after listening to the whole album of Speak Now after a couple of times. And now that I have completed the cycle with Red, I cannot wait to see what she would be like in the next two years. 

We would just have to wait and see, I guess.

But till, then, much love...

I bought the album online from WOW HD. It was only £9.99 and they do free delivery as well. I bought it together with an ten percent discount from NUS extra so if you have one I definitely recommend getting it. Also, you should know that is an optional insurance postage fee which is about 0.75p or something. Also, it is £3.00 cheaper as compared to HMV. I did my research, as always.

I'm coming back...

I miss our careless laughter and the short bus rides home. I miss eating pancakes and fighting over strawberries or hazelnut flavoured ones. I miss you dying for a cup of coffee and me giving you a despising look claiming that it is such an expensive addiction. I miss being honest with you and feeling that you understand and that you will keep me safe. I miss you and who you are and sometimes I think all the greatness here is not worth giving you up.

How are you lately? Its been hard communicating hasn't it? I'll give you a message early in the morning and only receive a reply late afternoon. I know you feel the same way too but the time difference kills doesn't it? I don't know whether I am pleased or sad to tell you that I have not found anyone to replace you. Do you remember when I was telling you of how empty I felt inside when I was there? Well, I have not filled it up and its worst now that we are apart. See, we go weeks without talking to each other  but when we do oh how we talk. My heart even beats faster and that's when I know that we were and are still special. And those moments are when I question my instincts that brought me all the way here.

I guess the weather does not help the coldness of the people. The faces you know so well past you by without saying hello and your heart crushes because you remember you once knew and embraced such warmth but gave it up. And I can't tell you how cold it is. Right now raindrops are falling down my window and the heater isn't working and worst of all I still have another lecture late this evening that I will have to walk 20 minutes to get to.

At this point I think you might be tempted to know if I regret what I did. But I do not know the answer myself. I would say no, not because I am trying to hide my sadness but I think its because I embraced the challenge and the adventure that has laid out in front of me. I learned so much about myself that I did not know and I feel the rush knowing that anything can happen. That, I know now. But I think it is also because I have partly accepted the fact that maybe I am some how unloveable. Not that no one would love me but that no one will ever love me that much. Or maybe I am made not to be understood, but to be lonely in my problems and in my hardship. I accept that now, but its hard.

Much love...

Disappointment has a name...

Sometimes you feel it in your gut when you have let something pretty important out of your hands. But knowing that you could not have done better due to your inexperience and complete unfamiliarity to what you had to go through.

I was thrown into the situation clueless not knowing what and where to do all the things that needed to be done. What more, one of the member decided to forget to turn up for half the time leaving just the two of us to fend for ourselves. And so I did not have anyone to turn to. 

It scares the shit out of me their angry faces waiting over the barrier as I stand in safety feeling too naked with my heart pounding praying that everything will go faster and smoother. And then the mistake that makes everything come to a halting stop making you know that this is not going to work out. You want it to but you know its unforgivable.

I now reek of beer and a sense of disappointment. But everything is alright. I told my mom the other day that sometimes you just are not ready for facing the immediate challenges. And although this opportunity will never resurface for me, I know that at least I tried and at least I was given some kind of consideration.

Onto the forthcoming challenges then... There will always be more.

Its heartbreak warfare...

I want nothing new tonight...

A million things can be done, and more to be wished in your heart. If I could I would ask for the ability to sing, a voice that serenades people with sweet songs and melt their hearts, just with a single note. I cannot sing. I wish I could but I just cannot. But some people are more lucky than I in this area. And there is one I particularly like.

Check her out. Her songs give off a rather haunting sound and layered with complicated textures and layers and sweet melodies. She is such an ethereal beauty as well.

Her facebook page

Click here to listen to her songs. I particularly like Mystic Night. All out from her bedroom.

She is also part of the band Adam and Dusty. Listen to Till the Day I Die. And here is their facebook page.

I do not usually listen to indie slash folk music. But occasionally when my mood swings take action, I enjoy some. So take a listen, go off into the whimsical world she creates and come back to reality confused and confessed. 

Nothing safe is worth the drive...

Freshers Fair

One thing that tempted me away from a sunny disposition was the collegiate system in which the university functions. As much as I was seduced I did not apply for a specific college putting in an open application instead. In my first week I questioned that decision of passing up living in the more historic colleges such as the Castle (oh the castle...) but I am finding out that Van Mildert might just be the best college in town.

People here are friendly and crazy. And they also like to drink. It did not take long for me to realise that club socials basically equates to bar crawls, or drinks, drinks and more drinks. There is never a dull moment here.

But more than that it has such a friendly atmosphere and a welcoming aspect that is said to be absent in some other colleges. I wouldn't know... Surprisingly, college food is really good. Yes, I repeat, really good. I actually eagerly await each meal guessing what would be served. Pathetic, but you would understand if you were here.

Our college bar is awesome and drinks are ridiculously cheap. I guess there really is not much else to do in this tiny town so people mostly turn to alcohol to entertain themselves. But I guess it could also just be attributed to the English culture. I think that applies more.

Freshers week was is hazy in my memory. It passed so quickly filled with tears and loneliness and getting to know so many people then forgetting all their names and then meeting and reintroducing not knowing if you have already done so. I guess what is supposed to be the best week of your life can turn out to be not much for others. I never made it out past 12am partly because of the jet lag but mostly because of homesickness. I missed my friends, I didn't think it would be so hard without them.

Block parties, crazy challenges, bar crawls... There was so much to do and so much information being fed into our brains its a wonder we made it out alive. 

Its been about two months into university now and I have not settled down yet. Things are still moving so quickly. I guess it is partly my fault for being unable to resist signing up to every single thing I see. I am so weak. But then they tell you to make the most out of anything you have and that is exactly what I  am trying to do.

I think I like it here. It gets way to cold and way too wet sometimes, but its actually pretty good. And I can feel myself liking it here more everyday. I still desperately miss my friends and wonder why I went to the farthest corner where I knew no one but I guess that's just me chasing something I am still trying to figure out. 

Much love.

PS I take bad photos.

Taylor Swift Treacherous

Life is for living...

Unless you have been living in a hole recently, you would have known that London 2012 was massively successful. And rowing contributed much of the Gold medal influx for Great Britain. Durham University Boat Club being one of the premier clubs to supply athletes for Team GB had a massive and overwhelming respond in terms of the interest for rowing. What it means is that it sucks. Because the learn to row course had so many people. I have rowed before but I did not know how to get started so I decided to just start again, I am no pro anyway.

What you see above is in Maiden Castle, the university's main sports centre. I showed it to my coach in Australia and she went "aww my gawd there're so many of them", her exact words. And she lived and rowed in London so she would know.

I did try out for the freshers team but I knew I would not get it anyway. The state of unfitness I am in is quite appalling, but I was intent of getting all of the 20 pounds worth of money I paid for the course. So I went for it and of course, I did not make it. But it was a good experience.

Anyway, I live in college (you need to here) so I joined the college club. Which is rather dodgy when compared to the University Boat Club, but you have to live with what you get. And something is always better than nothing. I wished I took more pictures of the University Boat Club but for some reason I felt like a spy infiltrating their system so I dared not take anymore pictures. Especially not of their pride and joy--the indoor rowing tank.

So that is the college boat club (so dodgy) and a view of the river where ALL THE CLUBS row on. Massive traffic congestion happens.

My first outing was crazy misty and crazy cold. I have to mention here that it was 2pm in the afternoon. Oh England, what love you show me! I was freezing, literally could not feel my fingers. And their boats are old school made of wood. They're so heavy its killer to make four girls try to take it into and out of the boathouse. I always pray for some guys to be around to help. So far, my prayers have not exactly been answered.

And lastly, I felt obliged to show you the long flight of steps to descend to get to where the boathouse is. Its not as long as it seems cause at that point I was already halfway down and felt too lazy to walk back up just to take a picture. I was also late. The real pain however is not going down as you might have guessed, its really going up. After a session of rowing, where thigh muscles are utilised... Oh Lord... not looking forward to my next session.

This is part of the everything that I got myself involved in. 

PS that last sentence will make sense once you have read the little paragraph at the bottom of the page. Its meant to be and About me section or something... I don't really know. Also, (such a long post script...) I am massively mad at myself for not being able to start writing my essay having wasted the entire afternoon and night doing practically nothing. Anyway, have a good day or night :)

A new start...

I am in Hogwarts, guys. I made it!

Don't tell me this doesn't ring a bell? Ron eat slugs!?

My story is long and complicated. It really is not but every story has a time and place and I am still trying to figure out where my long winded past sits. All you need to know now is that I took a huge step to be where I am now, I chose to be here, out of all the circumstances I had, I chose a tiny corner isolated from what feels like the rest of the world in a beautiful medieval town. 

Durham Cathedral

I love that the university shares this building with the town council. Something few and far between get the right to do so. Our matriculation inside was magical, like traveling back in time complete with cloaks and organ music resonating through the long hallway. 

The first time I went to the Cathedral after my matriculation to explore its grounds, I was in awe. My reaction was totally unexpected, I went crazy, suffice to say.

How can you not when such a beautiful building exist? Knowing that you somewhat belong to it now by association is a crazy thought to get my head wrapped around! I cannot believe it at all. (I love old buildings, I get not everyone does. But bare with me, I have weird obsessions.)

Score! The one snap I took was when the Cathedral volunteer happen to walk by in his cloak.
Harry Potter it is.

How can you not when what lies in front of you reminds you of good childhood times? Of watching Harry Potter being terrified by Lord Voldemort and all he was. I made it guys, I am in Hogwarts.

I now look forward to pushing boundaries and taking myself out of my comfort zone. Of possibilities that come only once in a life time and dreaming of dreams so high I may never reach them. I am here to learn and here to live with no regrets. My move represents new life and hope and new things to see, to live and to experience. I am so excited of what the future holds, terribly scared but more so excited. Because it is unknown, because I know now that nothing is going to hold me back, because I know now that I can.

PS Massive Harry Potter references, I know. I am so sorry. Also, I am a terrible photographer. I can't help it.