I'm coming back...

I miss our careless laughter and the short bus rides home. I miss eating pancakes and fighting over strawberries or hazelnut flavoured ones. I miss you dying for a cup of coffee and me giving you a despising look claiming that it is such an expensive addiction. I miss being honest with you and feeling that you understand and that you will keep me safe. I miss you and who you are and sometimes I think all the greatness here is not worth giving you up.

How are you lately? Its been hard communicating hasn't it? I'll give you a message early in the morning and only receive a reply late afternoon. I know you feel the same way too but the time difference kills doesn't it? I don't know whether I am pleased or sad to tell you that I have not found anyone to replace you. Do you remember when I was telling you of how empty I felt inside when I was there? Well, I have not filled it up and its worst now that we are apart. See, we go weeks without talking to each other  but when we do oh how we talk. My heart even beats faster and that's when I know that we were and are still special. And those moments are when I question my instincts that brought me all the way here.

I guess the weather does not help the coldness of the people. The faces you know so well past you by without saying hello and your heart crushes because you remember you once knew and embraced such warmth but gave it up. And I can't tell you how cold it is. Right now raindrops are falling down my window and the heater isn't working and worst of all I still have another lecture late this evening that I will have to walk 20 minutes to get to.

At this point I think you might be tempted to know if I regret what I did. But I do not know the answer myself. I would say no, not because I am trying to hide my sadness but I think its because I embraced the challenge and the adventure that has laid out in front of me. I learned so much about myself that I did not know and I feel the rush knowing that anything can happen. That, I know now. But I think it is also because I have partly accepted the fact that maybe I am some how unloveable. Not that no one would love me but that no one will ever love me that much. Or maybe I am made not to be understood, but to be lonely in my problems and in my hardship. I accept that now, but its hard.

Much love...