You don't feel pretty...

Flash back to that car drive being stuck in the jam, being hungry, being frustrated, being crazy, being loved. We were four as one understanding and knowing our pains and our gains, our past and future and our choices and wishes. We were so nearly perfect.

There is something, dark about her.

Jeez, you are such a racist.

It is always the same. You get that little thumping of your heart hoping for something new and they'll use the same old words to tell you you are not good enough. They tell you that they wish you all the best and that you will try again in the future. Try again... I have tried, again and again. 

Its hard but I tell myself to move on. I tell myself that I learn from each rejection. I tell myself that I can and will pick myself up from the ground. I tell myself that I am fine.

I tell you that I am fine, so you do not worry about me. But you can see through my cracks and you know I'm lying. But I tell you I am fine because I need to believe it as well. If hang on to the past I would not make it through. It is too painful.

So I say I am fine.

But I remember that I don't even know what I'm chasing for. I remember that all that I toiled for did not bring me the happiness I thought it would. I remember that giving you up was the least of my worries and that it turned out to be the biggest hole in my life. I remember all that I wished for and still want and know that they are just superficial needs. I remember that I need to come back down to the ground and think of all that I already have and all that I already am.

I am so blessed and so loved. I need to remind myself all the time. At the moment it is so hard to do, not when you are so far away and not when I don't get to talk to you whenever I want to. But I will try, for your sake and for mine, I will try.

Because I deserve to be happy.

Much love...

I didn't mean it that way...

Taylor Swift, The Lucky One