Reflections...

2am on new year's day, and I'm sitting on my desk wondering where did all of 2014 go. It's never been that big of an occasion to me, especially not after going all out celebratory mode for Christmas and all sorts of end of the year parties, schools out get togethers and meet up with friends sort of thing. But here in England, school certainly does not end in December. 

I guess its a good time to do some reflecting on my year, though I always find the time and reason to do so. 

I've some how adopted such a relaxed view of life over the past few months. I'm just sailing through the waves letting the wind to the navigating. I have no direction. And yet it is now that life demands of me to make a move. My future is so vastly wide open and now that it is more than impending I'm freezing. I can't seem to do anything.

As for the things that remain in my mind from last year: 

1. It started with a bang. We made non sensical crazy videos. The start of a new hobby that fuelled latter terms with so many good memories. 
2. Italy. I have a sneaky suspicion that my new perspective was derived from my 3 months in the country. It wasn't the typical exchange experience some one else might have liked or experience, but perhaps for me it was great. I had a lot of alone time to work on myself emotionally, mentally and physically. I travelled alone truly for the first time and found that I really like it. I found the type of travel I personally enjoy and perhaps found what I really care for in life. Not the lessons I thought I would learn but ones that are so vital to my self development.
3. Interned in a radio station. Met lots of amazing people over summer through the internship and the programme I was on. Questioned a lot of intentions and meaning of actions. It all seems like a facade, a comparison game covered by a veil of social entrepreneur goody goody tag lines. I can't buy into that. Maybe I really lost it in this period of time? I got really confused as to what I really want to do after. I wanted my questions to be answered, instead I opened up even more discussions with myself. Worst of all, they're all pretty wishy washy non objective thoughts that occupy the my attention. I can't make out real life decisions. 
4. Back in Durham. So lost. I made good friends, became somewhat friends, don't really know anything about friendship anymore. I can't tell you who I'd bring to an island if I had to choose. I find myself so easily irritated its just not right. I wander without a cause and find myself deeper in the woods. I'm just doing it all wrong. 
5. Germany. It was a breath of fresh air. I love it. It challenged me. I can't comprehend my thoughts anymore. Maybe I just really needed out of Durham. 

Each time I feel I inch closer towards a strong constant relationship it fails. I now fear I may never be fully understood, not even on a friendship sort of level. As opposed to previous years where my self development have been quite pronounced, I feel this past year was more of a mash up of feelings and emotions. I've grown, but more widespread. I feel like I'm only starting to know myself a little more. I'm starting to let go the pressures of competition and listen to my own inner voice. I'm starting to accept certain things that I couldn't. I'm learning to set plans to actions, and take them into reality. I'm starting to be myself and learn to accept my flaws. I'm learning what I like and what I don't like, I'm learning that I'm so picky and that I'm an incredibly fucking hard person to really connect with. I'm craving a deep connection with anyone. I'm inching ever so slowly to God, most importantly, snail's pace, but I'm getting closer.

I think I have way too much expectations not only on myself but on other people as well. When they don't meet them, I walk away and rather be alone so I can control my disappointment. I'm back to level zero.

Life really is funny isn't it. It refuses to follow your plans. 

On a totally unrelated point. I'm so trying to resit buying a Bodum hand mixer in lime green colour. Yes specific. This is basically what has been happening to me in the last half of the year. I am consumed with a really serious (though completely internal) thing, then I get distracted by some trivial thing that really doesn't make any difference to my life. 

Help. 2015. Be nice to me.

A goodbye and hello all the same...

It's not new year exactly just yet, but it sure is close by. I'm jumping ahead of time a little, even my reflections haven't been sorted out (I think I'm avoiding it really). I used to wait out for the date to start on whatever I intend to do - work, workout, resolutions. But I'm over with that. They usually never work and happen through a basis of aesthetics rather than real intentions. I'm not saying this time my plans and goals will stick through and see themselves out, but hopefully some of them can carry through. 

Just in case I have been way too abstract, I'm writing out my new years resolutions. I know some see it as a complete waste of time since it has been showed that they usually last only through February at latest. But I've got a few minutes to spare, and I'd be thinking of things regardless, so why not put it on the black and white just to solidify things a little more? 

I hope this year's resolutions will be more achievable and less abstract. I remember jotting down "being happy" as last year's. And while it is a great resolution, it is unachievable as a means in itself. I think I wrote it down because there was nothing much I really wanted to achieve. This time round, my thoughts are organised in more solid worldly steps - a good thing - so they're measurable, and observable (can you feel university academic life rubbing off on me?)

Without further ado, here goes. I want to

1. Make/bake/cook something special every week. There're a ton of recipes out there I am dying to get my hands on, and so far all my experiences of making edible goodies are always accompanies with joy - when they work out. When they fail, I learn from my failures. But they're so much more mistakes out there that I have been avoiding, and thus successes as well. So here's to a new year hopefully filled with a lot of good food from my kitchen! (Meanwhile I am resisting the absurd temptation to purchase a Bodum hand mixer for myself)
2. I want to get fit/lose weight/be healthy. For a little bit of back story to this, this have been a goal of mine for the longest of time. I've been slightly chubby ever since 15 and got bigger and bigger probably ballooning when I was 19. It's never gone completely out of hand but enough to make me feel very insecure and uncomfortable in my own skin. Last Easter term, I spent in Italy as an exchange student and managed to lose a ton of weight quite naturally (didn't check the scale, did workouts that I really enjoyed, ate wholesome food mostly due to a tight budget and the incredibly fresh produce that Tuscany allowed me!). It was the best I have felt in a long time. Unfortunately, I practically erased all the hard work over the summer when I went home and indulged too much and too frequently in all the goodness that I knew I would miss coming back to Durham. Once back, I tried very hard to once again gain a fitness regime, which did not turn out too successful. I'm hesitant to set a fixed number to this goal, but I think I am pass wishy washy statuses and have come to realise that solid goals are often more achievable than abstract ones. So here it is - hopefully 15 kgs by June. I must add that the number doesn't bother me much, but it could perhaps work as a guide to show me if I am progressing or going backwards. June is the month I will be graduating, no doubt when endless strings of photos would be taken. As much as I try to suppress narcissism, I want to be able to look back on them without shame. 
3. Read the bible. I grew up in a Christian family. I never read the bible. I've read one book of the bible for school, then I quit the subject altogether cause it was too hard. I can see a lot of maturity in myself just in looking at my resolutions. Again, I am addressing something I've never been able to do but have been intending to for quite a few years now. I finished the book of Mark just a few days ago, and that is only the start but it still counts as a first step. A journey of a thousand miles begins with a single step, the saying goes. For measurable purposes (again), I'll set a goal of at least 10 books read by the end of the year. And I don't mean just skimming and scanning, I hope to do reflections, studying and everything else that is suppose to accompany bible reading.
4. Send more snail mail. I was thinking of putting down something along the lines of being a better friend, staying in better contact with my friends etc. But like I said, too wishy washy. I enjoy writing, and especially enjoy writing to people. I have a couple of unsent letters and so perhaps combining writing and friendship is more doable for me. Perhaps it is the way for me to be able to keep in contact with my friends. I remember when I left home and was distanced from my friends for the first time, I wrote cards filled to the edges with words and never got back a reply. I was so disappointed. I love receiving mail too. But I'm older now, life doesn't always work out the way you want them to. And this is such a small issue. So for this year, I want to connect with my friends, actually stay in contact! I want them to know that my cold distance is due to my own inability to drop a casual hello through facebook because I overthink and I just can't. I want them to know that I do think of them, and that I do so rather frequently. That they make such an important part of my life. So for all the unsent letters that I have perhaps threw away into non existential abyss, I hope to write and send more to the people I truly care about.
5. Travel to France. I'm not taking for granted the blessings I have, but I know that it is almost inevitable that I will be travelling in the next year (could be my last time freely hopping around this continent as well). I've been meaning to go to France, and I feel it is somewhat of a must see. So I'm putting it down. Of all the resolutions, it is probably the toughest for me to achieve. 

I was expecting a very short and succinct list of things I want to achieve. It has turned out to be one of the wordiest pieces I've written in a rather long time. I'm glad it is as it is, cause it shows that there is substance beneath the intentions, meaning I may be able to see them out. 2015 for me will be filled with great uncertainty. I can only see as far as June, for when I graduate. After, I have made no attempts to fill in plans (though I really should) therefore beyond lies a space of black, blank list of things to do. I'm pretty sad that my time as an undergraduate will end with this academic year. I don't doubt that it will be one of the best times of my life, filled with so much freedom, and free time. However, I don't believe that it is the best part of my life. I am confident that more good things will come. So though filled with dread to see this end, I'm altogether rather excited as well (though no action's been made! Where are my action plans?!). At times it is interesting to see my sturdy mind and romantic heart battle together. 

I have this gut feeling that boredom will never be a trouble of mine, given that my mind whirls my body into a thousand different places, even when I am just in one physical place. My difficulty has always been companionship. I don't know how to be a friend and how to stay a friend. Life has a funny way of teaching us lessons, I am a curious learner and a semi good student (I used to be awesome, I don't think I am anymore sadly). 

My life is in constant motion
It stops and stares in intervals
Greeting new friends and old ones every now and then
But when the time comes, it leavee
Goodbye
Hello for another time, I won't forget you
Goodbye, see you again

Onwards and upwards.

Yule Log

For a friend's Christmas do, I was thinking of making a Swiss Roll. Ambitious, since I never made one before, and the possibilities of failing - cracks in the cake - is so high! After a lot of though, I decided why not make a yule log? It is that time of the year, and it is basically a chocolate swiss roll with icing on top. 

This turned out to be a great decision given that the cake comprised a few too many cracks. I'm not sure what when wrong, but I could possibly attribute it to first the cake not being light and fluffy enough because I found out that my electric whisk has turned hazardous and had to resort in manual whisking, which was clearly not effective enough. And secondly to my cake tin which may have been a little too long resulting in a thicker and short cake, thus harder to roll. However, the heavenly chocolate ganache covered it and made it look absolutely divine! So all was good.

I used the recipe from BBC which I found to be very concise and simple to follow. It was a hit with the cake being wiped clean off the plate. I am really pleased how it turned out and look forward to making it again and improving. The chocolate ganache was not too sweet and neither was the cream. Further, the cake was a good slice of chocolate cake, albeit mine being a little bit more dense than what it should have been. I would definitely highly recommend anyone to attempt this for a dinner party, especially since the chocolate ganache really acts as a saving grace, and it is such a crowd pleaser. 

Recipe: 

Chocolate Sponge

4 large eggs

100g caster sugar

65g self-raising flour

40g cocoa powder

Chocolate ganache topping

300ml pint double cream

300g dark chocolate

Cream Filling

300ml double cream, whipped

Method:

1. Preheat oven to 200C. Lightly grease Swiss roll tin with non-stick paper, make sure you push it into the corners.

2. For the sponge, whisk eggs and sugar in a large bowl until it is pale, light and frothy. It should enlarge until approximately triple in size. Sift in the flour and cocoa powder, mixing it using a spatula to avoid beating out the air.

3. Pour mixture into the tin and bake for 8-10 minutes.

4. After the cake is baked, place it on a baking paper bigger than the Swiss roll tin. Dust with icing sugar and carefully invert the cake onto the paper and remove the bottom lining piece of paper.

5. Cut a score mark 2.5cm along one of the longer edges. Start rolling with the paper inside and sit it on its outside edge to cool.

6. Meanwhile, get started on the ganache topping by heating up the cream. Remove it from the heat and add the chocolate mixing it until the chocolate is completely combined and melted. Cool to room temperature and store it in the fridge.

7. Unroll the Swiss roll and remove the paper. Spread the whipped cream on top and re-roll tightly. Cut a quarter of the cake off from the end on the diagonal. Transfer the large piece of cake to a serving plate and angle the cut end to  make a branch.

8. Spread the chocolate icing on the Swiss roll and use a knife or fork to create a bark tree pattern. You can choose to cover up the ends of the cake or leave them as they are.

9. The recipe calls for dusting with icing sugar, but I don't mind foregoing this as the icing sugar dissolves very quickly into the icing. So it stays as a decoration for only a very short period of time.

I had a good time making this cake and an even better time eating it. People were impressed and it certainly is a good addition to any Christmas table. Go get yourself some chocolate, flour, eggs and sugar and get starting on this Yule Log! You will not be disappointed.