Mid term crying crisis...

The amount of time I have spent in the Bill Bryson Library this past week alone, is more than my first two years as a student of Durham University. Looking back, my first two years was almost close to a joke. And that I was so lazy. Why was I so lazy?

These past few weeks have flew by too fast. For the first time ever in my life, I can proudly say that procrastination has not been something I have been plagued with. Yet still my deadline looms ahead, growing larger and larger by the minute, and I find myself in a precarious tipping point where I might just struggle to complete my big project. 

Each new week seems to throw a new stumbling block at me, playing with my mental sanity and roster of broken down goals to complete the entirety of the project. I cannot deal. 

I see it as my legacy of my three years, a culmination of what has made me, me, even beyond my university years, since the topic deals very much with things that are so pertinent in life back home. It is almost funny, how little my brain can function when I am not working, due to the amount of stress and continuous working hours I put in. Never ever have I ever done anything equal to this. 

And yet it may still not be enough! So I have to pray, because I know it is out of my control. I pray not to manipulate the outcome, I pray for grace to accept reality. I pray for strength to stay convicted. I pray for many things to keep my sanity in order.

Life has been pretty good to me. I have grown bigger, due to a lot of stress eating, and not enough exercising. Worst still is that the foods I gravitate to are incredibly high in their sugar content - my kryptonite. In other aspects, I still have not progressed anywhere in terms of planning my future after leaving university. Somehow, I manage to land the perfect part time job. One that I have been searching for, the entire time I've been here. In mashes the things I enjoy doing very much - writing, photography and videography. Under the student union, I am even paid to attend events! Though that certainly isnt the main focus, it is still a large perk. And so I give thanks.

I admit I still war on with myself in terms of my level of content. It is difficult for me to lower my expectations and accept reality, when for most of my life I have let my imaginations run as wild as the coldest wind. I'm still learning.

Reflections...

2am on new year's day, and I'm sitting on my desk wondering where did all of 2014 go. It's never been that big of an occasion to me, especially not after going all out celebratory mode for Christmas and all sorts of end of the year parties, schools out get togethers and meet up with friends sort of thing. But here in England, school certainly does not end in December. 

I guess its a good time to do some reflecting on my year, though I always find the time and reason to do so. 

I've some how adopted such a relaxed view of life over the past few months. I'm just sailing through the waves letting the wind to the navigating. I have no direction. And yet it is now that life demands of me to make a move. My future is so vastly wide open and now that it is more than impending I'm freezing. I can't seem to do anything.

As for the things that remain in my mind from last year: 

1. It started with a bang. We made non sensical crazy videos. The start of a new hobby that fuelled latter terms with so many good memories. 
2. Italy. I have a sneaky suspicion that my new perspective was derived from my 3 months in the country. It wasn't the typical exchange experience some one else might have liked or experience, but perhaps for me it was great. I had a lot of alone time to work on myself emotionally, mentally and physically. I travelled alone truly for the first time and found that I really like it. I found the type of travel I personally enjoy and perhaps found what I really care for in life. Not the lessons I thought I would learn but ones that are so vital to my self development.
3. Interned in a radio station. Met lots of amazing people over summer through the internship and the programme I was on. Questioned a lot of intentions and meaning of actions. It all seems like a facade, a comparison game covered by a veil of social entrepreneur goody goody tag lines. I can't buy into that. Maybe I really lost it in this period of time? I got really confused as to what I really want to do after. I wanted my questions to be answered, instead I opened up even more discussions with myself. Worst of all, they're all pretty wishy washy non objective thoughts that occupy the my attention. I can't make out real life decisions. 
4. Back in Durham. So lost. I made good friends, became somewhat friends, don't really know anything about friendship anymore. I can't tell you who I'd bring to an island if I had to choose. I find myself so easily irritated its just not right. I wander without a cause and find myself deeper in the woods. I'm just doing it all wrong. 
5. Germany. It was a breath of fresh air. I love it. It challenged me. I can't comprehend my thoughts anymore. Maybe I just really needed out of Durham. 

Each time I feel I inch closer towards a strong constant relationship it fails. I now fear I may never be fully understood, not even on a friendship sort of level. As opposed to previous years where my self development have been quite pronounced, I feel this past year was more of a mash up of feelings and emotions. I've grown, but more widespread. I feel like I'm only starting to know myself a little more. I'm starting to let go the pressures of competition and listen to my own inner voice. I'm starting to accept certain things that I couldn't. I'm learning to set plans to actions, and take them into reality. I'm starting to be myself and learn to accept my flaws. I'm learning what I like and what I don't like, I'm learning that I'm so picky and that I'm an incredibly fucking hard person to really connect with. I'm craving a deep connection with anyone. I'm inching ever so slowly to God, most importantly, snail's pace, but I'm getting closer.

I think I have way too much expectations not only on myself but on other people as well. When they don't meet them, I walk away and rather be alone so I can control my disappointment. I'm back to level zero.

Life really is funny isn't it. It refuses to follow your plans. 

On a totally unrelated point. I'm so trying to resit buying a Bodum hand mixer in lime green colour. Yes specific. This is basically what has been happening to me in the last half of the year. I am consumed with a really serious (though completely internal) thing, then I get distracted by some trivial thing that really doesn't make any difference to my life. 

Help. 2015. Be nice to me.