It's been a while since I bothered visiting this space. No, more like deliberately compartmentalising it in the back of my mind, somewhere only reachable with considerable effort. Maybe its because all throughout the years this is where I've let out all my angst about fitting into a societal mould, about wanting to break free and break different. I've dreamt all my dreams in words and captured all my hopes in this hidden little portal residing in some internet sphere.
It's has now been 11 months since the last visit and I am a wholly, completely, entirely, different person.
I am now that person with a daily scheduled routine from 9 to 6. Most nights after the sun disappears, you can find me at the office still, skipping dinner when I finally reach home because I'm just too tired and sleepy to bother about food. I am now that person who foregoes a weekend at an offhand text message, who ignores the cries of some voices deep down muffling their sounds to focus at the work at hand. Some work that I don't quite know where it leads to.
And I have a little secret. Where I am right now, I always feel so inferior, like I'm not good enough, like everyone is better than me. Stellar, spectacular, brilliant. And I'm so afraid I'll never be able to shine as bright as them, and that I'll be a dark spot blemishing the perfection that has been created, a legacy that I cannot carry through.
But why bother. Deep down I still know my strengths and my uniqueness. My complexity that no one will ever understand. Maybe it won't bring me far in our human race of life, but when everything starts blurring into the same vision, at least I have that insanity within that buzzes in colours and sprinkles, just to ensure me that hey I still have something else entirely not within the confines of your world.
