Reflections...

2am on new year's day, and I'm sitting on my desk wondering where did all of 2014 go. It's never been that big of an occasion to me, especially not after going all out celebratory mode for Christmas and all sorts of end of the year parties, schools out get togethers and meet up with friends sort of thing. But here in England, school certainly does not end in December. 

I guess its a good time to do some reflecting on my year, though I always find the time and reason to do so. 

I've some how adopted such a relaxed view of life over the past few months. I'm just sailing through the waves letting the wind to the navigating. I have no direction. And yet it is now that life demands of me to make a move. My future is so vastly wide open and now that it is more than impending I'm freezing. I can't seem to do anything.

As for the things that remain in my mind from last year: 

1. It started with a bang. We made non sensical crazy videos. The start of a new hobby that fuelled latter terms with so many good memories. 
2. Italy. I have a sneaky suspicion that my new perspective was derived from my 3 months in the country. It wasn't the typical exchange experience some one else might have liked or experience, but perhaps for me it was great. I had a lot of alone time to work on myself emotionally, mentally and physically. I travelled alone truly for the first time and found that I really like it. I found the type of travel I personally enjoy and perhaps found what I really care for in life. Not the lessons I thought I would learn but ones that are so vital to my self development.
3. Interned in a radio station. Met lots of amazing people over summer through the internship and the programme I was on. Questioned a lot of intentions and meaning of actions. It all seems like a facade, a comparison game covered by a veil of social entrepreneur goody goody tag lines. I can't buy into that. Maybe I really lost it in this period of time? I got really confused as to what I really want to do after. I wanted my questions to be answered, instead I opened up even more discussions with myself. Worst of all, they're all pretty wishy washy non objective thoughts that occupy the my attention. I can't make out real life decisions. 
4. Back in Durham. So lost. I made good friends, became somewhat friends, don't really know anything about friendship anymore. I can't tell you who I'd bring to an island if I had to choose. I find myself so easily irritated its just not right. I wander without a cause and find myself deeper in the woods. I'm just doing it all wrong. 
5. Germany. It was a breath of fresh air. I love it. It challenged me. I can't comprehend my thoughts anymore. Maybe I just really needed out of Durham. 

Each time I feel I inch closer towards a strong constant relationship it fails. I now fear I may never be fully understood, not even on a friendship sort of level. As opposed to previous years where my self development have been quite pronounced, I feel this past year was more of a mash up of feelings and emotions. I've grown, but more widespread. I feel like I'm only starting to know myself a little more. I'm starting to let go the pressures of competition and listen to my own inner voice. I'm starting to accept certain things that I couldn't. I'm learning to set plans to actions, and take them into reality. I'm starting to be myself and learn to accept my flaws. I'm learning what I like and what I don't like, I'm learning that I'm so picky and that I'm an incredibly fucking hard person to really connect with. I'm craving a deep connection with anyone. I'm inching ever so slowly to God, most importantly, snail's pace, but I'm getting closer.

I think I have way too much expectations not only on myself but on other people as well. When they don't meet them, I walk away and rather be alone so I can control my disappointment. I'm back to level zero.

Life really is funny isn't it. It refuses to follow your plans. 

On a totally unrelated point. I'm so trying to resit buying a Bodum hand mixer in lime green colour. Yes specific. This is basically what has been happening to me in the last half of the year. I am consumed with a really serious (though completely internal) thing, then I get distracted by some trivial thing that really doesn't make any difference to my life. 

Help. 2015. Be nice to me.

Good WIll. Hunting. for a life?

I don't know how to be a friend. Especially not when we don't have compulsory schedules we all have to adhere to - college classes - which makes me scared of what might happen after all this ends. I don't know how to be a good friend. Because without constant contact, it is extremely hard for me to pick up a hello at you and run right through with it.

I last wrote in March, and a lot of have passed since then and now. I went on exchange to Italy, hated it then loved it then didn't want to leave, then left. Went home, started an internship, left with mixed feelings. Stayed at home for a whole month battling internal scars, and here I am back in my little northern snowball.

Perhaps I didn't think it possible to be anymore fickle than I was, but I sure am now, particularly when the timing for decision making is at its utmost importance. Additionally, the fear of failure and inferiority is weighing my whole soul down. Repeatedly my parents are telling me that the bar of expectations I have imagined them to set is exactly that - imaginary. For they couldn't care less what I do after this year, as long as I am happy. I find it hard to reconcile with that truth, given that if all I wanted to be was happy, my choices may have been very different from what they were. And even as the words roll through my throat and out of my tongue, I find it hard to digest that I can't.

My situation now is that postgraduate studies is in consideration, though I feel I would much prefer to take a year out instead of jumping straight into it. That in itself presents a problem as getting a job isn't the easiest thing to do here. Not when you have visa requirements and every other person is eyeing the same thing as you. It could have been easier if my hate for the cold overcame all other feelings, but my theory that it takes 2 years for me to start loving a place seems to be coming true as I mean less and less when I say things like "I hate Durham", because I really don't anymore. Not even the cold, and that is huge.

It is odd that I can be so attached to my own emotions and so emotionally unattached to the rest of the world. Why it feels so difficult to return a text message or some other form of social media connection is beyond me. Sometimes I feel like I could live my days alone in a hut on an island somewhere and be perfectly fine. And I know that I think too much but there is nothing I can do about it, it is inherently who I am to overthink things. But I am learning how to deal with my thoughts. For one, I have decided to cut the negativity. Success is yet to be near unity but I'm trying. I guess the next thing for me would be to change the way I view things.

It is funny how things seem so different with a deadline. I can practically count the number of weeks I have left here. I am torn between wanting a life back home and enjoying the way things are as I have come to love right here. And the possibilities stretch and endless road, I'm not sure whether I should keep poking my nose around things without direction or if I should start following some sort of structure towards the way I live.

But I will never be able to string words so beautifully as you do. And my fingers will never flow so effortlessly on the keyboard like you, all the fingerboard. My strokes will never be as divine as yours. My upper bound will always be less than yours. My hips a little wider, I'll never be taller, sharper, wittier... I can't beat myself up for things that are not worth feeling guilty over.

One Night...

In the middle of November halfway through the Island that holds England and Scotland together lies a small city called Durham hosting people from around the country treating them with beautiful lights. Lumiere they call it, created a magical atmosphere making me feel like I stepped out from my lecture hall straight into the pages of Alice in Wonderland. 

Lately, I have a lot to be thankful for. For parents that understand and willingly put in more hours to see their children be happy. For a sister that knows me skin and bones right down to the core, sometimes even better than I do. For a brother who's growing taller than I am and who at the age of 14 still considers me cool enough to leave at least a sentence or two. I am thankful for my family who knows me at my worst but still stick by me holding my hand tightly shielding me away from reality.

I am thankful for finally feeling like I have found people who understand me, for being in a state of friendship that I enjoy rather than a place. I am thankful for the opportunities that I have and the magic I have felt. 

A lot of times my gratefulness slip by because I tend to forge ahead without thinking about what I already have in my side pockets. I forget the gems that I have collected as they are left ignored and neglected. 

I am almost at the halfway point of my second year and the pressure is truly beginning to reach its boiling point. I can feel my nerves breaking one strand at a time as I continuously distort my sleeping pattern in a manner that is way outside a healthy recommendation forming eye bags that are starting to look permanent. As much as I tell myself I can't do this, deep down there's a little whisper pushing me on telling me that I can, and I will.

I found myself chasing the bus once again earlier today. Is it a sin to not want to spend extra time in the cold wind waiting for the bus? My walking shoes would undoubtedly die down if I continue this bad habit if mine. The hour long ride provided me much time to reminiscence about easier times and after spending a great evening at a friend's house, I couldn't help but feel a tinge of homesickness as I look out the foggy dark night.

I wish I can be constantly caught up in the magical atmosphere that Lumiere brought upon Durham, like a sheer veil gently folding all the people under its influence intoxicating us with sweet lies and silent prayers. I wish I didn't know the realities of the world and that it doesn't stare me in the eye while I figure out what's next. I wish I can just be home sitting on my infamous couch strumming the guitar with good old friends who have seen me through all my awkward stages and know nothing but the worst of me, and still continue to sing along with me. I miss love, in its truest and simplest form.

Back in time...

The air was cool and crisp at dawn as I waved goodbye to my family. This isn't my first time but I had to look away to stop tears from falling down. Leaving home doesn't get any easier, it gets harder every year. I used to travel happy, excited to live through new experiences and meet new people. Nowadays, my eyebrows form a frown which threatens to stay permanently shaped like that. Gone is the girl who looked through eyes of naivety replaced by a harden heart and weary eyes.

For the next 15 hours I float in between transits and being stuck up in the air. The plane bullets through the sky over oceans gracefully but all I want to do turn back and run home. I struggle to get rid of the image of my family enjoying breakfast at our favourite shop and already I miss all of it even though I have barely left. An inconsistent pattern of sleep forms and I feel like I'm caught in a time warp as time stops making any sense. 

Welcome to London Heathrow, thank you for choosing to travel with us. The captain's voice resonates through the sound system marking my official arrival into the country. Thanks to backward timing, I have covered the majority of earth's air space and will arrive in Durham all within a day stretching my 24 hours beyond its true frame. The London air is both refreshing and intimidating, blowing past my ears as I walk through the tunnel from the underground service to King's Cross. I get a reality check as the chill tingles my skin and I am reminded that its is back to wearing scarves, tights and five layers for warmth. I think about the things I brought with me all packed up within 5 hours and suddenly I wonder if I brought any winter appropriate attire with me. 

All around me people are clamouring to check the times and platforms looking onwards to reality. All intersecting each others' life at this point in time here. I sit alone with regret that didn't have the sense of mind to travel with a companion hoping that my second year will not reflect this kind of life, wandering what it would have played out to be had I chosen a path well worn by my friends.

In yet another bullet-like time capsule, I claim my seat next to the window and listen as the men in front fill the train with their football conversation. As hard as I try to stay awake, my mind drifts in and out of slumber as we pass through the night. Farther and farther north I travel and I can feel myself getting nearer to the place that will host me for another 7 months. As familiar sights come into view, I feel a tightness around my heart and it gets harder to breathe. Coming back here is like walking straight into the giant's mouth with open eyes. This place haunts me as it is here that I started to understand what loneliness feels like, what growing up feels like. It has hit me at my most vulnerable leaving me crouching down instead of standing up tall. It is here that I build my confidence up and tear it down with my own bare hands, and yet I am walking straight into another year here. 

I like to think that all the things I go through is God's way of teaching me a lesson. Right now, I don't think I really want to know what point He is trying to make anymore. My tenacity and drive still in place but wearing thin by harsh weather, I don't know if I'll be strong enough to see it through the storm. I'm so tired of being push down and step on. As much as I want to, I know turning back is not an option. I'm a different person yet again, looking through a different set of lenses. I'm not as optimistic and hopeful anymore but I'll try and look for the silver lining. It get's better, I'm told.

Only see the light when its burning low...

I have a theory that I love Edinburgh. I know it sounds rather odd because don't you just know when you love something? Well, it doesn't work like that for me. I don't really know why either, but I just know I keep making decisions I question later on. Like the one I'm in right now, which is why am I even in this country?

But one thing I know is every time I go to Edinburgh (and I always end up going there for reasons outside my control) I think to myself God I love this place. I think that's pretty telling.

This last time I went there was for something bank related and I only had time to explore Arthur's Seat which I oddly never did before, because I booked a late train. Cheap train tickets people, I'm a student here...

It was rather gloomy that day, as you can see. But Edinburgh has such a romantic feel to it. Its lovely.

Lately I have been pondering upon too many life questions. I'm in one of my mood periods where the pendulum is swinging backwards and everything seems shit. I'm blaming the fact that half my entire family is celebrating a wedding in lovely Gold Coast while I'm stuck here in the grim North. And I'm blaming my upcoming exams which I have somehow failed to be bullet proof prepared for. 

The other day for the first time I told an old friend that things are not all pretty and fine for me. I struggle and I cry and I hate everything but I move on. I could have told him earlier but there're walls preventing us from being as honest as we used to be. Our youthful teenage years and promises are starting to fade away and these walls that I face with him, I face with many if not all of my other good friends. When it comes down to it, I don't know who to turn to when the burdens become to heavy for me to bear. I've found myself very lonely and isolated so many times I keep wondering where it all went wrong.

So I leave you dear readers here now, first apologising for this rather random depressing post, and then apologising for not having written anything for the past I don't know how long. And lastly to tell you that more posts will probably not be pouring in anytime soon due to the aforementioned exams. 

Thanks for reading. I hope, and I really do hope, that you're having a much better day than I am.

Love

xx

My day out...

The past few days (possibly weeks) for me have been in this fashion: wake up, eat, study, break, study, eat, study, break, study, sleep. Repeat. I am not joking, and don't think it is because I am super studious or anything like that, because the truth is there is nothing else to do. This is life in non term time Durham where everybody else is either at home, travelling, or doing their dissertation. None of which I fall under. Jokes aside, it is a very conducive environment to get work done, so I am not complaining. It is also quite mind wrecking being in the same four walls with almost no human contact for what seems like forever. But its ok, just three more weeks to go...

Words of inspiration to keep me going when I feel like dying. I hate math, 

What you see above is a what I consume on a daily basis, tea and muesli. I have recently upgraded to sandwiches for lunch and dinner. But fret not, I actually quite enjoy it. Besides, I really don't need that much energy from food being that all I do is practically nothing.

Anyway, no one told me about this whole stupid daylight saving thing. I don't even know if that is what happened because Easter Sunday I woke up bright and early and head down to church. Guess what, the mass was ending and I caught only 10 minutes of it. I was so confused, I figured it must be daylight saving. I don't even know how it works, but I was pretty pissed. I guess I have only myself to blame but all the same, the whole concept of changing time blows my mind. 

So Happy Easter everyone, I hope you had a more memorable Easter as compared to mine. After church (or the ten minutes that I was present), I walked to the botanic garden because I knew they were having an easter egg hunt. I've never done it in my life so I figured well, why not. I didn't end up doing the actual hunt but I walked around the garden nonetheless. 

 At first, I thought the garden was just a small garden (everything in Durham is kind of small). But after looking at the first map along the way, I realised it was much bigger than I expected it to be. Still rather small, but not tiny small.

I thought the archaeology thing was super cool. Fun fact, the first ear archaeology students went to Italy for their field trip. I did not even have a field trip. Made me wonder why I am not in archaeology.

Deeper inside the garden is a greenhouse, or at least that is what I think it is called. I opened the heavy metal sliding door and boom, I felt heat (hallelujah! you'd understand if you were in England). My glasses fogged up and apparently so did the lenses of my camera. It was hot as there were trying to achieve the temperature of the desert. And I have never been to a desert but I think they certainly got it right seeing as the cacti actually live.

 The second compartment after the desert area was the rainforest area. And quite frankly, it felt like home with the heat and heavy humid air. The vibrant greens of the leaves made my day even if it really was nothing much. I needed to see some life and that room certainly felt so alive.

I also found a slightly Alice in Wonderland-esque place. I wonder if the rabbit hole is nearby, should have went hunting for it.

When the sun first came up about a month ago (which then turned out to be a false alarm), I desperately wanted to go for a picnic. Of course it did not materialise as the next few weeks was filled with horrible cold winter weather. But now I am looking forward to summer because I found the most perfect picnic spot.

Flowers are starting to bloom for real. Does it mean spring is really around the corner? I am slightly more optimistic now that there have been consecutive days of sunshine and absence of snow. It is actually viable to open my window and not freeze to death anymore. I think things are on the upside. :)

Side note, look how cool these giant ants are. They are huge!

 The last/first of the chickies depending on whether you were observant enough the first time round. I wasn't.

On a final note, here's a picture of college. I walked back through the dodgy passage way and looked up to see a beautiful scene greeting me. Yes, it isn't the million dollar type beauty that takes your breath away, but when you have been through the longest winter and everyday looks horrible, you recognise beauty even in the smallest way. I also know that my college isn't the most beautiful of them all. But quoting Jeff Winger "This school maybe a toilet, but it is our toilet!". I really feel that way, sad but funny and true.

So if you are in Durham and have nothing to do, or you like nature, do make your way to the botanic garden. Its free if you show your student ID. It has way more than what I showed you, promise.

Till the next time, hope you had a great Easter.

Thanks for reading!

Love xx

Good morning, Baltimore...

Good morning to everyone! The sun is shining mildly where I'm at and it is no where near Baltimore, but that was the only thing that has been playing on repeat in my mind for the past ten minutes. Though I have seen better days and lighter moods, given the damp and swompy snow last evening, this is really more than I could ask for. I hope the sun is shining where you're at :)

I am now officially on vacation, and its the second day of my five week long easter break. Yes, five weeks, in addition to the 4 weeks of Christmas break, on top of our 3 month long summer break. What do we pay for? LOL. Well, you can imagine how stressful actual term time is. Its really quite over here now in Durham as 70% of students have already left for home, some of which will have already reach the warmth of the tropical climate. Oh, how I wish...

But for the rest of us stuck up here in isolation, we'll have to make do with whatever we have. And it really isn't that bad at all. This is what I had for breakfast, and is likely to be what I'll be having for lunch and dinner for a very long time. Tea and toast, luckily, I love food no matter the complexity or simplicity. So I'm good. But given the simplicity of this particular meal, I had to work disproportionately hard for it travelling up and down two flights of stairs because someone stole our toaster, and the kettle on the 2nd floor is gone. So depending on what you want to eat, you'd have to go to the floor that has the appliance required. Sad but true story indeed.

In case you were curious, there is vacation catering available but the cost of it is way too much for me to justify. I am on a rather tight budget so I decided to give it a pass, I don't eat that much anyway. (Although I have to admit this is rather sad).

The last of my friends leaving left on Monday morning (yesterday) and she left me with her beautiful bunch of flowers. I realised this past month that I do indeed love flowers. Twice now I have been given flowers, but neither have been specifically for me or meant for something special. But I'm not complaining, whatever the reason, the flowers on my table makes me really happy. Especially given their pretty pink colour.

You could see hints of my curtains sneaking into the pictures. I just had to say that I hate the colour. It borders on disgusting. I'm sure that there are many more better options to take compared to the ugly faded green that greets me every single morning as well as every second I sit in my room. But I guess, they did say that this is the worst block out of all the blocks. Apparently, it will be refurbished at the end of this academic year, which is when I move out. Just my luck. But it doesn't matter, its comfy, I gotta admit.

The Durham bubble is quiet. There is an odd serenity in the air, and I think I ought to travel down to the market to get some food that will keep me alive. But so long as I am fine with my bread and butter, I doubt that I will be able to motivate myself to walk 20 minutes into town and then back up again.

For now, let me leave you with this beautiful song Apartment by Young the Giant. I don't really understand what it means, then again it feels like I do but am hoping for it to mean something else. I'll stop writing now as I do realise that this has been an oddly long post. Many words in my brain now that there's no one else to talk to I guess.

Thanks for reading! Hope you have a lovely day.

Love xx

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False promises in the middle of the night...

Winter just won't go away

This is my vacation.

Note the EXAM.

Just to reiterate my point.

Its the final day of the term and everyone has a sense of freedom that has been elusive for the whole duration of this Epiphany Term. Where did all the time go? I wonder to myself, no idea. My insecurities are bursting at its seams. Maybe its because they are coming into the spotlight now there's nothing immediate I have to deal with. There's a slight air of vulnerability in the air that contains a magical aura within it. It feels like we could all be something really special if we come clean with the truth and take down our masks. But its unlikely we ever will because its easier just to run away, and so we run away.

The corridors are emptying themselves out and by tomorrow we will know who are the ones that have to go through Easter separated away from home. Tomorrow Durham will be more quiet than it already is. And somehow I think I would like it like that. The absence of all the familiar faces would take away the invisible chains that may weigh me down in whatever way they do. But as fine as I was about staying here for 5 weeks, a sudden pang of misery envelopes me as I think of home and of warmth. Winter doesn't seem to want to leave us here in England. I'm getting worried it will never. 

I don't know what its going to be like but I'll continue to remind myself of the love I have and can't see, and the opportunities that I can have. I'll think about the strength that I will gain and the future that holds so much promise for me. I sit and pray here asking God to give me love that I can recognise sometime soon. Love in the form of a friend, of trust and of silent understanding. Of laughter and of magical wonder. Let all my suffering be rewarded with love. I just ask of that.

Love xx

Here's to new beginnings...

I guess I'm late again, but its been an up and down week and a few days. Last week I was pretty much a support system to friends watching them perform, being there to talk and whatever other else. Me and my team also braved the cold windy Durham weather standing outside the library trying to sell tickets for and event to no avail. We're trying again tomorrow because we really need to get those tickets off our ands or our "overlords" as one member calls them will be pretty damn mad.

Sunday came and it was the big day that was marked on the calendar-manifestos and hustings. Well, manifestos were handed in before that but we also talked about our manifestos naturally. It was freaaaking intense. Not gonna lie. 

Monday night came around, my friends and I went to a Chinese Lantern event organised by DU Happy Society. First of all, Happy Society? Wtf. What do they even do? But I mean come on, Chinese Lanterns are cool so we went. But despite RSVPing and paying 1 pound, we didn't even get a lantern. We were pretty disappointed. No, we were very disappointed. So we promised that we'll organise it ourselves under our event which we husted for-provided we got the roles we wanted...

I learnt that setting up a Chinese lantern is by no means and easy task. The wind was blowing like mad and it generally was a pretty disappointing night.

But tonight, tonight is the night that some thing different feels set in motion. I can't point my finger at it, I can't figure out exactly what it is.

We had a concert tonight. Yes, I stole the poster and it is now hanging nicely and being appreciated as it rightfully deserved. I sneakily took it down from the venue and walked out surreptitiously so no one could tell it was missing.  Not like they would care anyway.

It was a good performance we had tonight and I came back to even more love and good news.

I originally double booked my night. I had a concert to perform in and a formal to attend. How smart. Luckily I found someone to go in place of me so I can save all my Sunday night rehearsals and end the term with satisfaction. Like I said, it was a good concert. I'm really happy I made it, really happy they accepted me, just really happy in general. 

I came back and my friends saved me a tub of ice cream from the formal and oh my Lord strawberry cheesecake is awessooome. Just had to point that out in case you didn't already know.

Speaking about getting roles that we want. We got the roles that we wanted all right. My aforementioned team and I selling the tickets all belong to a society and we all ran for committee positions. We will officially be leading the society in its new direction in the academic year 2013/2014. Tomorrow, we are going to be outside the library once again and I can't believe that we all made it. We are going to be such a happy bunch! I'm pretty excited of our prospects and what will happen and what will be. This good gut feeling that I have is a sign to good things. 

And though the new start won't happen until we get through this year first, it will wait patiently as time flies past like a bullet so fast you wouldn't even notice it. I'm looking forward to it. But I have to say, I'm just happy. Plain and simply happy and satisfied. 

Love xx