I can't sleep...

"Holy. Fucking. Shit."
"You're not allowed to bail out."

The long train rides and the long flights convinced me that I needed sleep as I stayed awake due to all sorts of interruptions you get on those things. Now that I'm in my bedroom, college bedroom, all showered up and clean, I just don't feel like sleeping. I can't sleep...

My Christmas break was horrible. It was like a war going on with myself. I was unsettled and unnerved, and worst of all I didn't know why or how to solve the problem. I figured maybe it was because I still had two terms to go. But now I'm back in Durham I feel like running as far away from it as possible. 

I think I have a problem. I think I cannot appreciate things until they're gone. More often then not, I choose for them to be over. 

Always scared and always lonely. Maybe all I've been doing is running away...

Much love...

Busy streets and busy lights...

Sometimes we make mistakes. Other times, we really make mistakes. We regret them but we cannot take them back. I'm pretty bad at controlling what comes out in words and so many times I wish I can take back the things I said and how I said them. But I can't, so I move on.

Sometimes you make a big decision not knowing how it would turn out. And when you revisit your life before the move, you realise you were so lucky and so blessed all along. I won't call it regret, I think I'm growing from the challenge. I'd call it longing.

I remember saying ignorance is bliss, and I truly believe in it. However ignorance doesn't last long for me. I scrounge and hunt down every piece of information and sometimes the knowledge overwhelms me. Every now and then I pray to God asking him to make all this tough times worth sticking through. Why bother when you can take the easy route? 

Much love...

Taylor Swift State of Grace

If this isn't it then I don't know what is...

Who knew I'd be back so soon? Nobody...

The beauty this place held, the sun the warm air and the sand, it was too much to take in. I'm supposed to be lonely and freezing up north but instand I'm here with not a hint of winter enjoying not piling on five layers of clothes just to be able to feel. And who knew how I'd miss the gorgeous sun tanned sweat glistened washboard abs of the people that claim this place as their home. Who knew I'd be so integrated with their culture then leaving them only to realise how much I love it here. Nobody...

As I walked along the stand stone walls of the university boasting a good hundred years or so I think well you can't beat my current one... And I complain about their deficiencies like I still belong cause I do still belong right? I guess I did give up on you because I felt lacking but damn it I see now you are so beautiful with all your lush green trees and perfectly situated buildings and the river that curves around the outside of your compound. I can't believe it but I miss you and I wished I still belong.

But everything is different now. Do you even recognise me? It took double takes to believe that I am real and not just an illusion. What Durham has done to me is beyond imaginable. And its only been two months. I dreaded my return there but its just a quiver of weakness and reminiscence of the good life I had with you. I'll put that at the back of my mine now and move on. Twenty long hours of flight won't rock my boat, I won't let go of what I left for. I'm still all a little bit lost but we all are inside. 

And so it goes as I attend the most beautiful wedding I've ever attended, and stuffed my mouth with the candy provided till I felt sick at the sight and continued stuffing myself with more food knowing I won't get it in England. Then feeling so guilty promising I won't eat anymore... then failing. I don't know what to think anymore. Going across so many time zones makes your head spin round like a faulty record I guess.

Much love...

Pictures: The University of Queensland

Edinburgh, I love you...

December crept in on me taking me by surprise. Where did all my time go? I've barely been here for two months but it feels like a lifetime has passed. I was in Edinburgh this past Saturday and was reminded once again why I tell people that its my favourite city so far. I haven't been to many but it has a strong pulling factor to me. I think I love it. 

Strolling through the city was enough and just looking at the sights and taking in all it had to offer. It felt so perfect in the most serene way. I wished you were there with me freezing through the strong wind. I wish you were there with me walking up the Royal Mile through the cobbled stone roads choosing cheap photographs as memories just because. I wished you were there with me to share the nutella and banana and laugh and tell stories and tell me more about you like I know nothing about you. I wished you were there and it would have been the best day. But I'm pretty sure you've moved on and I'm no longer your person to turn to. You're still mine, and nothing's change but I was there with company that was good, but they weren't you.

Do you remember when I announced to you my bucket list and how living in London was number whatever it was? I thought it was the only city in England I would be desperate to live in. But I think I change my mind. I think I'm going to add Edinburgh onto that list. I know you'll laugh and tell me nobody would follow me to all the cities I want to live in and then you'll tell me that I'm the only one crazy enough and lucky enough to make it come true. And then you'll hope that I'm happy. 

I always wonder what you're up to because I can't in my mind tell what the time is at home. I dare not disturb you because you spent so much of your precious study time eating lunches and wasting away your afternoons just sitting and talking with me before my life changing move here. I wonder whether or not I should tell you or surprise you. I wonder what your future would be and whether we can hold on to the promises we make and continue to make. Then I wonder if you remember them at all.

I guess I should try to forget. I should try to enjoy my life without thinking of you in the back of my mind. I hope you realise that's just how important you are to me. I see that now. I'm sorry I didn't see that, but I do now. And I hope you do too.

Much love...

PS Yoda is floating.