Intern Diaries: What am I doing...

My sister followed me on the train today to the city, she thinks I'm the most depressing person to travel with using trains. I can't disagree. I kept complaining about everything, and moaning and moaning, and moaning even more. My head and heart are clearly not into work at the moment. I think it's a hit of homesickness I'm feeling. Of all the years of my life, I've seen my family the least this year, and it has clearly affected me in my dealings with life.

I did a crazy thing the other day even though I told myself that I won't do anything that would overwhelm myself. I clearly have no respect to my self sanity. So. I signed up for FIFA 2014 World Cup as a volunteer. I know that doesn't mean anything as there is always the possibility of me not getting it, but flipping it the other way round also means that there is a possibility of getting it. 

I decided that no internship on the world would beat going to Brazil during the World Cup. Was there even a question before? God... I need to get some sense of direction. Parents, this is what happens to kids when you tell them anything is possible. Just to show you what I have in mind for summer 2014:

1. FIFA World Cup 

2. Wall Street Journal Asia internship 

3. Some other NGO internship 

These are obviously subjected to them taking me in, but you know me, I keep hoping. Always. 

Sometimes I wonder why I can't be normal...

Intern Diaries: I don't really want to do this anymore...

I  know an internship is only a small reflection of what a real working life is. For interns, there is a way out. The finish point is within clear sight, we know it will end, and we'll go back to being bums or whatever we were before being forced into productivity. I know that if I can't stand the 9-6 as an intern, I probably would die when it becomes actual life. I don't want an office job, what the fuck am I studying economics for?

I always have cycles of emotions. There're times I go through periods where I feel so on top of the world and that nothing matters, that I'm free. Then there're other times where I get too nervous  clenched down by society and its expectations. I'm just only coming out of the latest bout. I feel lethargic, unproductive and I bloody don't want to wake up so early in the morning just to spend 8 hours on work. It's my bloody summer vacation! I'm an idiot.

Lately, I've just been so reluctant to go back to Durham to study. I've also been extremely negative about life. All I want to do is sleep, and not just for now but for the future. I don't want to work a normal job and be jailed down by life. I want to be free and to fly all over and experience new things, but the path I've planned for myself seems to direct me to riches and glory. I thought I wanted that, I'm not too sure anymore. I feel like I just want to cut all ties I have with Durham, all the activities I had planned out to make my second year exciting, I don't want to do anymore. Too late to pull out, I've got responsibilities now.

All things remain unclear, as they always do for me, one thing I know. I don't want to work in a bank. I get it now why other people don't either. I can't for life be stuck in a cubicle doing God damn mundane shit. I figure something out...