my 100th...

One week has came and gone so swiftly looking back I cannot seem to pick out a single memorable event over the past week. Dissertation has brought me up and down places all while physically stagnant and often in the same position. There is not much confidence in what I have done and quite frankly, I think there is time but I somehow think there isn't time as well. I'm just not in any state to be making any thoughts. 

I really have no intentions of bogging anyone down with the weight of my dissertation, however it is literally all that runs through my mind every waking moment that there is no space left for me to think about anything, not to mention talk about anything else.

But since this is the 100th, and also since I find I rather enjoy taking a scroll through memory lane I shall attempt to paint a picture for my future self about my current state.

Note 1: I just bought things from Amazon that made me very happy. Granted 70% of it was paid for by a voucher, and that the items are very functional things. The first of them being my beautiful and super cute laptop case. I love it. period. I also got myself a Kindle case, because I can't stand scratches. The last thing I got was a USB, because after like 3 years of not having one, I decided fuck it its useful.

Note 2: You just got a new job. You are the student communications assistant. It pays well, but it has literally no working hours. You are both happy and disappointed about this. Happy because naturally most of your life is devoted to a very special project that you can't even bring yourself to mention. Disappointed because you'll still be broke most of the time.  But so far, its really quite awesome and please don't forget to thank God in church.

Note 3: You really want to buy a bento box from Amazon. You have also most certainly put on a lot of weight - dissertation weight. This is not an excuse, it really is a fact. The term has not ended, but you have decided to end this silliness right now and give yourself a two weeks fitness head start before easter holiday sets in. Hopefully, it WILL work this time. 

Note 4: in relation to the above, you are a fucking stress eater.

Note 5: No plans for easter whatsoever. Study? Not sure.... You are also very disturbed by your own lack of plans for the entire future ahead. WTF. Although you also find it quite cool...

Note 6: you have been sleeping early, and most importantly waking up early every single day. I am very impressed, and certainly hope that this continues. It is a good lifestyle.

I shall end this weird narration thing here. My life is literally very uninteresting right now. It is a robotic routine of sleeping before midnight and waking up at quarter to eight before heading to the library and wasting my life away there. 

Great.

Mid term crying crisis...

The amount of time I have spent in the Bill Bryson Library this past week alone, is more than my first two years as a student of Durham University. Looking back, my first two years was almost close to a joke. And that I was so lazy. Why was I so lazy?

These past few weeks have flew by too fast. For the first time ever in my life, I can proudly say that procrastination has not been something I have been plagued with. Yet still my deadline looms ahead, growing larger and larger by the minute, and I find myself in a precarious tipping point where I might just struggle to complete my big project. 

Each new week seems to throw a new stumbling block at me, playing with my mental sanity and roster of broken down goals to complete the entirety of the project. I cannot deal. 

I see it as my legacy of my three years, a culmination of what has made me, me, even beyond my university years, since the topic deals very much with things that are so pertinent in life back home. It is almost funny, how little my brain can function when I am not working, due to the amount of stress and continuous working hours I put in. Never ever have I ever done anything equal to this. 

And yet it may still not be enough! So I have to pray, because I know it is out of my control. I pray not to manipulate the outcome, I pray for grace to accept reality. I pray for strength to stay convicted. I pray for many things to keep my sanity in order.

Life has been pretty good to me. I have grown bigger, due to a lot of stress eating, and not enough exercising. Worst still is that the foods I gravitate to are incredibly high in their sugar content - my kryptonite. In other aspects, I still have not progressed anywhere in terms of planning my future after leaving university. Somehow, I manage to land the perfect part time job. One that I have been searching for, the entire time I've been here. In mashes the things I enjoy doing very much - writing, photography and videography. Under the student union, I am even paid to attend events! Though that certainly isnt the main focus, it is still a large perk. And so I give thanks.

I admit I still war on with myself in terms of my level of content. It is difficult for me to lower my expectations and accept reality, when for most of my life I have let my imaginations run as wild as the coldest wind. I'm still learning.