I want to curl my fingers round my shoulders, tightly till you can see the blood squeezed through my skin. I want to shake my body violently, repeating that question, what is it do you really want?
It feels not too long ago when I was sitting in humid class room, just a little right from the nearest fan screaming at myself to turn my focus towards the teacher in the front. Then, I thought surely I was going to end up somewhere different, somewhere special. I was battling my inner securities and my outwardly different interests. The world was both so big and so small at the same time, my 16 year old mind could not see the vast landscape it beheld. In a few blinks I am back in the same city wondering how I end up like this, sitting in front of my couch with a bachelors that I never thought I'd take.
I think I graduated in something I can't quite care about that much. But then sometimes, I do.
6 years later I'm asking the exact same question non the wiser. How do I go forward? How is it that some people show close to zero struggle in accepting their call towards their chosen profession. How is it that some others can't quite give a damn what they do. How is it that my battle can seem so eternal, and that my passion not quite strong enough, my talent not quite eminent enough, yet my doubt can never go away.
6 years I tried to forget, to decipher the code that lies somewhere in the deep corners of my heart. When people ask me what of the future my answer is I don't know, because I truly don't. Sometimes I fear I will never reach my answer. But time will be the only answer and I won't dwell too long on that. This odd sensation of being happy and not quite knowing what in the world seems to be the cage I am caught a prisoner in.
Carpe diem.
I have both been able and not been able to do it.
My life is a constant contradiction.
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