Intern Diaries: Intern no more...

Hello there, Goodbye.

7 weeks is over. As fast as it started, it has raced ahead at the speed of light checking out faster than you can say goodbye. I no longer carry the intern label above my head and am no longer chained to the rigid 9-6 schedule in-scripted on my contract. Just as I am zipping up my suitcase to round up this up, I am reopening another one to step back into the reality of student-hood.

This past month and a half has added a whole set of new questions into my already brimming mental database, leaving old ones still as raw and unanswered as before. I have lost the sense of who I am and what I want to be by having had to confront the possibilities straight in my face without a veil to protect me from harsh realities. As I try to reconcile with the buzzing bees trapped in my head, I tell myself that more questions is better than no questions, symbolising my active healthy mind.

The routined morning wake up call at too early times and wrapping up the days late into the evening have filled my days without an empty slot to allow me to feel any hint of boredom. The office has played a second home to me housing me everyday and feeding me God sent acceptable speed WiFi (priorities). What I'll miss most is the people. The interns who stood with me by the door begging to be let in like cats scratching at doors, I now consider my them friends in every sense of the word. Even the staff in the office, I'll miss the beeping sound their security tag makes when they open the door and burst into the room full of bright sunshine. Me leaving the office feels like saying goodbye to a whole other world.

Reflection is something greatly embedded in the culture of the organisation. The first question people usually ask after getting your name is what do you feel about something. My biggest takeaway from this experience would be the experience of an actual working life. The insight I gained relates to an organisational perspective of education, three steps removed from the kids. Policies and the impact of administration, and event management of which culminated in my high for the internship. 

I am no closer to finding a way out of the maze I find myself stuck in. Many times I wished I chose the simple life of staying at home or rotting on the couch as another intern said, but if I had to do it all over again I would. Again and again and again. The places I have been, the things I have seen and the friends I have made, cannot be replaced with any amount of precious metal. Thank you for accepting me, thank you for opening the doors, thank you for welcoming me, thank you for talking to me, thank you for being my friend. 

Goodbye. 

Jumpa lagi.

Intern Diaries: My Last week...

I'm praying for a good week. I mean why not? Its my last one here isn't it? I think its funny how I've stayed in two major iconic countries and steered away from the big city, only to find myself experiencing the metropolitan life here back home. I guess it isn't such a surprise surprise! thing, but I'm an oddity. My life has no pattern and make no sense even to me. 

Life is running at lightning pace and I can't help but follow along with it, time stops like never. And even though I am desperately needing time to have a breather, I know that isn't going to happen.

Anyways, Monday blues. My printing stuff hasn't arrive and I honestly don't want to spend my morning stressing out about these things. Too many things not worth it hovering across my mind. I need to teach myself how to let go. There're still a lot of things I need to learn, top of the list: Stress management.

With that, I think I'll get back to work. Although, I can't do anything now as I'm waiting for printing and orders from my supervisors, whom are incidentally on holiday/promotional trip/ US. Unconventional times making me stressed. There you go, stress management... 

Goodbye.

Intern Diaries: And then there was one...

In my first week with the organisation, four interns finished their contract leaving half of the pool behind to continue dredging it out day by day. I felt little then aside from the regret of not getting to know them better, we did not have enough time spent together for me to feel sad that I wasn't going see them anymore. Last week, another two left. This time, I had a solid five weeks and even some weekends together. I wondered to myself that evening why I was so sad when I didn't really know them. But it hit me, I've spent the past month and a bit sitting at the intern table with these people for 9 hours every single day. A lot can happen in five weeks and we all certainly had some ups and downs, we shared our beliefs and our thoughts and talked about everything else but work because when you're at work the last thing you want to think about is work. I've had more lunches with these interns than I've had with my parents back home, they became a real part of my daily life.

Its odd to think now that when I go back to the office, them two will not be there to give me a good early morning greeting. Worst still, I realise that I am the only intern left in the organisation. Thankfully there are other temporary staff but it's different. I'm technically alone.

Perhaps the most scariest thing I've learnt about myself is that I probably need to be my own boss in the future in order to survive the working world with my sanity intact. That's probably the last expression you'd expect anyone to say, but the truth is I need flexibility to exercise my capabilities in order to suit my ever changing moods. I am not a set colour, but a template of tones running through the motions. I feel differently about things according to how I feel. This is scary because I don't really know what I want to do, how can I be in charge of this unknown thing? Of course, knowing what to do is only the first step. Am I suited to lead and to rely on no one else but myself? To make the final call and decide the direction of my work head in? To have others dependent on the decisions and results that I make? These are all big responsibilities and questions that I hope I will be able to answer in time. Many people chide me fore being overly concerned about things "you're only a first year... you're only 20" they say. But it's in my nature to think things through like a 100 times.

Whatever it is, I'll keep my head down, my eyes wide open and ears even wider. That's just how I do things. I like to pass through invisible but knowing. I'll do my best and as I've always done in the past, I'll reach for the highest and expect the lowest. I will treat each experience as a lesson revealing to me more about life and about myself. I know I'm a person that cannot sit still. As much as I say that I'm a lazy pig, the truth is I seek out things to do like a dog on a sausage trail. This ride isn't easy and you know what? Maybe I am ready for it. I think I'm stronger than I know. 

Intern Diaries: What am I doing...

My sister followed me on the train today to the city, she thinks I'm the most depressing person to travel with using trains. I can't disagree. I kept complaining about everything, and moaning and moaning, and moaning even more. My head and heart are clearly not into work at the moment. I think it's a hit of homesickness I'm feeling. Of all the years of my life, I've seen my family the least this year, and it has clearly affected me in my dealings with life.

I did a crazy thing the other day even though I told myself that I won't do anything that would overwhelm myself. I clearly have no respect to my self sanity. So. I signed up for FIFA 2014 World Cup as a volunteer. I know that doesn't mean anything as there is always the possibility of me not getting it, but flipping it the other way round also means that there is a possibility of getting it. 

I decided that no internship on the world would beat going to Brazil during the World Cup. Was there even a question before? God... I need to get some sense of direction. Parents, this is what happens to kids when you tell them anything is possible. Just to show you what I have in mind for summer 2014:

1. FIFA World Cup 

2. Wall Street Journal Asia internship 

3. Some other NGO internship 

These are obviously subjected to them taking me in, but you know me, I keep hoping. Always. 

Sometimes I wonder why I can't be normal...

Intern Diaries: I don't really want to do this anymore...

I  know an internship is only a small reflection of what a real working life is. For interns, there is a way out. The finish point is within clear sight, we know it will end, and we'll go back to being bums or whatever we were before being forced into productivity. I know that if I can't stand the 9-6 as an intern, I probably would die when it becomes actual life. I don't want an office job, what the fuck am I studying economics for?

I always have cycles of emotions. There're times I go through periods where I feel so on top of the world and that nothing matters, that I'm free. Then there're other times where I get too nervous  clenched down by society and its expectations. I'm just only coming out of the latest bout. I feel lethargic, unproductive and I bloody don't want to wake up so early in the morning just to spend 8 hours on work. It's my bloody summer vacation! I'm an idiot.

Lately, I've just been so reluctant to go back to Durham to study. I've also been extremely negative about life. All I want to do is sleep, and not just for now but for the future. I don't want to work a normal job and be jailed down by life. I want to be free and to fly all over and experience new things, but the path I've planned for myself seems to direct me to riches and glory. I thought I wanted that, I'm not too sure anymore. I feel like I just want to cut all ties I have with Durham, all the activities I had planned out to make my second year exciting, I don't want to do anymore. Too late to pull out, I've got responsibilities now.

All things remain unclear, as they always do for me, one thing I know. I don't want to work in a bank. I get it now why other people don't either. I can't for life be stuck in a cubicle doing God damn mundane shit. I figure something out...