25...

I try avoiding cliches because it drives me sick to the bones. Call me judgmental, maybe that's exactly what I am. I tend to like to keep the important things close to my heart, I don't need to tell everyone everything.

But Christmas this year has been good once again. Such a frivolous person as myself shouldn't deserve so many blessings. I feel almost guilty of the love they show me, I am not the most deserving person. But I guess that's love. A miracle in its own right. And maybe they don't expect repayment and they don't expect me to keep count, but I'll work so hard hoping to be able to give back to them what they gave to me. I know money is not everything, but it isn't nothing either.

My room's a mess and most of the time my mind is too, but I'll try to weather the storm that seems to last for years. I'll put in all I have because I don't want to disappoint you. I can't afford the things you dearly wish for at this moment, be it material or emotional. Time and money constraints us. But I hope one day you can puff your chest out when you think of me. I hope one day I can bring you all around the world, and where you won't have to worry about a single thing. I hope one day I can buy you your dream car, your dream house. I'll work my hardest for you because I don't deserve the love you showed me. And the only way I can repay you is to show you that I am aware of it, and that I am grateful for it. So I'll push harder, make sacrifices, I won't disappoint.

I'll try to stay grounded in the midst of my empty dreams drifting around the clouds. I'll appreciate you for who you are and I'll love you just as you have me. And I'll make you proud, I won't disappoint.

Merry Christmas everybody...

Busy streets and busy lights...

Sometimes we make mistakes. Other times, we really make mistakes. We regret them but we cannot take them back. I'm pretty bad at controlling what comes out in words and so many times I wish I can take back the things I said and how I said them. But I can't, so I move on.

Sometimes you make a big decision not knowing how it would turn out. And when you revisit your life before the move, you realise you were so lucky and so blessed all along. I won't call it regret, I think I'm growing from the challenge. I'd call it longing.

I remember saying ignorance is bliss, and I truly believe in it. However ignorance doesn't last long for me. I scrounge and hunt down every piece of information and sometimes the knowledge overwhelms me. Every now and then I pray to God asking him to make all this tough times worth sticking through. Why bother when you can take the easy route? 

Much love...

Taylor Swift State of Grace

If this isn't it then I don't know what is...

Who knew I'd be back so soon? Nobody...

The beauty this place held, the sun the warm air and the sand, it was too much to take in. I'm supposed to be lonely and freezing up north but instand I'm here with not a hint of winter enjoying not piling on five layers of clothes just to be able to feel. And who knew how I'd miss the gorgeous sun tanned sweat glistened washboard abs of the people that claim this place as their home. Who knew I'd be so integrated with their culture then leaving them only to realise how much I love it here. Nobody...

As I walked along the stand stone walls of the university boasting a good hundred years or so I think well you can't beat my current one... And I complain about their deficiencies like I still belong cause I do still belong right? I guess I did give up on you because I felt lacking but damn it I see now you are so beautiful with all your lush green trees and perfectly situated buildings and the river that curves around the outside of your compound. I can't believe it but I miss you and I wished I still belong.

But everything is different now. Do you even recognise me? It took double takes to believe that I am real and not just an illusion. What Durham has done to me is beyond imaginable. And its only been two months. I dreaded my return there but its just a quiver of weakness and reminiscence of the good life I had with you. I'll put that at the back of my mine now and move on. Twenty long hours of flight won't rock my boat, I won't let go of what I left for. I'm still all a little bit lost but we all are inside. 

And so it goes as I attend the most beautiful wedding I've ever attended, and stuffed my mouth with the candy provided till I felt sick at the sight and continued stuffing myself with more food knowing I won't get it in England. Then feeling so guilty promising I won't eat anymore... then failing. I don't know what to think anymore. Going across so many time zones makes your head spin round like a faulty record I guess.

Much love...

Pictures: The University of Queensland

Red...

The plain white box of a gift is from my secret santa. I am hundred percent convinced that he is a guy. What do you think? I've got my christmas presents for my sister and brother pretty much done, as well as some other people and my secret santa person.

I bought amazing biscuits that I am addicted to and got some singers to turn up at her door to sing the weirdest song to her tomorrow. She is going to freak out. Priceless. All under three pounds. I am pretty amazing.

Anxiety is keeping me from going to sleep now at 2.06 am. I need sleep desperately. Tomorrow is going to be a big day.

Much love...

New to town with a made up name...

The ducks are walking on ice. They're walking on ice!!

Am I wrong to think that winter has dawned? It is apparently going to be the coldest winter in a 100 years around this part of the world. And apparently, it gets even colder in January, according to the Englishmen.

My first time seeing snow, my first time seeing snow fall from the sky, my first time touching snow. I didn't know they felt so soft and fluffy. Durham looks like heaven now that it is coated with white snow in all its icy gloriousness. It feels like a different city altogether where every single angle looks like a picture perfect opportunity, as if it wasn't already before the snow.

Its funny how anxious I'm feeling now that my last night here is tonight. What are you going to say? How are you going to react? What will you do? I have no idea what is going to happen but I've found myself in those situations so much lately it doesn't even matter anymore. As long as I get to be with you.

I'll leave all my worries and all my heartaches with me behind. Durham you've been so cold to me. No warmth in your welcome and no warmth in the state that you are, yet  I still choose you over them. I think you're trying to teach me a lesson and I'm willing to learn. But don't be too harsh on me, I'm still only so young.

So here's my goodbye to you. I didn't think I'll leave this early but I'm one lucky girl who have loving parents and so my first Christmas alone would have to be delayed further. I was never looking forward to that anyway. And I'll see you in January where I'll know a little more about myself and of you, and I'll come back in full force to try to regain my stance. I haven't lost it yet, I'm still keeping the seams close while they're trying to burst into an explosion.

But till then my excitement has not yet revealed as I first have to walk to the train station a lone figure dragging an empty suitcase down the snow capped road and up those treacherous step, then I'll be in King's Cross, then I'll be in Heathrow then I'll fly off to far far away.

I can't wait...

Taylor Swift The Lucky One

She's a good girl...

University college

One day, you'll wake up and you see that something is wrong. Where is the ones that you need? Where are the ones that you want? Where is everybody when you need them?

You realise that its all a game, a parade. You wonder why you're caught here when it drives you sick to the bones. What you want is real happiness, not some picture value smile that creates illusionary joy. You want none of that, you want the real thing.

But you know you're not there yet, you're no where near. And you start freaking out because you feel that time is running out. What are you going to do? Is it too late to start now? You think so...

I am alone...

John Mayer Free Falling

Book Review: Inheritance...

Inheritance by Christopher Paolini

My rating: 5 of 5 stars

I've never felt a feeling of greater loss than i did with finishing this book (except maybe Harry Potter). I remember as i approached the last few pages i really felt like delaying the end cause as much as i wanted to know the ending, i did not want it to end, such conflicting intentions...

I thought this book was so well written and so worth all the wait Paolini put us through (from 2 books, becoming a trilogy, then becoming a series? I mean i was like just end it already!) The entire series was just full of details and intricate story lines that come together at the end revealing a much more intertwined web of history that i never could have imagined. It left me jaw dropped in awe.

When i finished the book, all i wanted to do was to talk about it to someone, anyone. Unfortunately, my friends don't follow this series, so i was pretty much alone.

Anyway, do read this. I have to say at times (not so much in this book) it gets a little draggy just cause you're so anxious about what's going to happen, but all that reading and spending time alone in your room like a hermit reading away sacrificing breakfast, lunch, dinner, sleep and social life, is so worth it.

My verdict: Read this.

View all my reviews

You can get Inheritance here. And if you haven't read the earlier books, their sequence goes like this, Eragon, Eldest, Brisingr and Inheritance. The first three books are all currently under 6 pounds on The Book Depository, so I'd rush out and get them quick before the discount ends. Alternatively, you could get the Inheritance Cycle Box Set for GBP 52.95, all hardcover. How can you resist? I do recommend getting hardcovers since the books are all so thick. It would also make a great Christmas present to anyone who loves reading.

Happy reading :)

Edinburgh, I love you...

December crept in on me taking me by surprise. Where did all my time go? I've barely been here for two months but it feels like a lifetime has passed. I was in Edinburgh this past Saturday and was reminded once again why I tell people that its my favourite city so far. I haven't been to many but it has a strong pulling factor to me. I think I love it. 

Strolling through the city was enough and just looking at the sights and taking in all it had to offer. It felt so perfect in the most serene way. I wished you were there with me freezing through the strong wind. I wish you were there with me walking up the Royal Mile through the cobbled stone roads choosing cheap photographs as memories just because. I wished you were there with me to share the nutella and banana and laugh and tell stories and tell me more about you like I know nothing about you. I wished you were there and it would have been the best day. But I'm pretty sure you've moved on and I'm no longer your person to turn to. You're still mine, and nothing's change but I was there with company that was good, but they weren't you.

Do you remember when I announced to you my bucket list and how living in London was number whatever it was? I thought it was the only city in England I would be desperate to live in. But I think I change my mind. I think I'm going to add Edinburgh onto that list. I know you'll laugh and tell me nobody would follow me to all the cities I want to live in and then you'll tell me that I'm the only one crazy enough and lucky enough to make it come true. And then you'll hope that I'm happy. 

I always wonder what you're up to because I can't in my mind tell what the time is at home. I dare not disturb you because you spent so much of your precious study time eating lunches and wasting away your afternoons just sitting and talking with me before my life changing move here. I wonder whether or not I should tell you or surprise you. I wonder what your future would be and whether we can hold on to the promises we make and continue to make. Then I wonder if you remember them at all.

I guess I should try to forget. I should try to enjoy my life without thinking of you in the back of my mind. I hope you realise that's just how important you are to me. I see that now. I'm sorry I didn't see that, but I do now. And I hope you do too.

Much love...

PS Yoda is floating.