Hey.

It's been a while since I bothered visiting this space. No, more like deliberately compartmentalising it in the back of my mind, somewhere only reachable with considerable effort. Maybe its because all throughout the years this is where I've let out all my angst about fitting into a societal mould, about wanting to break free and break different. I've dreamt all my dreams in words and captured all my hopes in this hidden little portal residing in some internet sphere. 

It's has now been 11 months since the last visit and I am a wholly, completely, entirely, different person. 

I am now that person with a daily scheduled routine from 9 to 6. Most nights after the sun disappears, you can find me at the office still, skipping dinner when I finally reach home because I'm just too tired and sleepy to bother about food. I am now that person who foregoes a weekend at an offhand text message, who ignores the cries of some voices deep down muffling their sounds to focus at the work at hand. Some work that I don't quite know where it leads to.

And I have a little secret. Where I am right now, I always feel so inferior, like I'm not good enough, like everyone is better than me. Stellar, spectacular, brilliant. And I'm so afraid I'll never be able to shine as bright as them, and that I'll be a dark spot blemishing the perfection that has been created, a legacy that I cannot carry through.

But why bother. Deep down I still know my strengths and my uniqueness. My complexity that no one will ever understand. Maybe it won't bring me far in our human race of life, but when everything starts blurring into the same vision, at least I have that insanity within that buzzes in colours and sprinkles, just to ensure me that hey I still have something else entirely not within the confines of your world. 

To live and breathe the air around me...

I want to be there when you walk into the tunnel of life
Looking ahead into nothing but darkness
When your heart starts beating a little too fast
I want to reach out and take your hand
Warm you up and calm you down

In moments I cannot be there
And there will be many as such
I want to be just a phone call away
In times where loneliness starts locking its grip
I want to be just a press of a button away
From a warm conversation that will keep us up till the early hours

When life starts feeling like a record on repeat
And when the meaning of it becomes all too large
I want to be the jolt of energy that fills you up
Taking you on an adventure fuelled purely by idealistic optimism
Creating memories you will never forget

If you hit an intersection point
And you don't know which path to take
I want to be right by you
Assuring you that there is no right and wrong
Only to follow your heart and to be true to yourself

When you feel like you need to get away
From the never ending pressures of people
I'll take you with me
Cause I am the master of getaways
I'll bring you places where your spirit can be reborn

And in times you just need to talk
My ears will be always open
If its just a shoulder, or a presence that you need
I want to be there
Silent and assuring, that I am there

Cause I am no way near figuring things out
But I guess I understand the pain that this life makes us feel
My heart sensitivity is peak form
And maybe that's what I am suppose to be
To understand and to be there.

Everything has changed...

Something has changed.

A small twitch, the tiniest of movements, so miniscule. But a change nonetheless, my thoughts. I am adopting a different outlook, no different from what I have been saying aloud, but it's starting to sink in, I'm starting to believe.

I'm taking my life on a by-feel basis. Too risky? Too uncertain? 

You bet.

But what have I got to lose? 

Especially this one year, which I have already decided to be my gap year. Why not actually live it like I've said it?

And why end it at one year? 

I'm not necessarily saying that I'll continue to wander aimlessly forever (though let's be honest, this is a very real possibility). All I want to do is to be in touch with my soul, my heart. I agree that this sounds completely wishy-washy, unfounded, naive. But let me take the fall, else I'll never learn. 

I am insanely optimistic. Like a hopeless romantic, but towards life, not some guy. But what's wrong with that?

Here's to life.

Here's to the future. 

Here's to forever.

what should i do with my life...

Here we are again. 

How long did I think I could runaway this from problem?

I am scared. I know because my heart is thumping like a drum. I can almost feel my stomach churning. Almost, but not quite. Risky business looms large ahead of me, I thought I liked the risk, but it turns out I need certainty to ground me. 

What will I do? 

Thinking back I have never actually taken the road less travelled, though I thought I did. My decision here and now is frightening. It takes all of me to say yes, jump in the waters, submit myself to its blindness.

Perhaps this is my chance to make a splash in the world, to leave my mark. Which of the voices in my head will ring loudest? Do I thrust forward knowing the absolutely huge possibility of failure? Or do I jump while its safe, into the calm waters of stability.

The things uni have taught me...

I stumbled upon this unfinished draft in my list. Now that I have officially completed university, perhaps it will be even more relevant/accurate for me to give some reflection on this...

Time flies. 

This is something no one needs a reminder of, and yet we all kind of still do. This is the essence of the chase that most of us are involved in. It is precisely because time ticks that we rush into the things we do. Three years in university sounds like an eternity before, but it has flashed by so fast that I can't even imagine all the seasons I've been through (12 to be exact). And yet I can feel it. Somewhere etched in my heart the first touch of soft snow, the first dread of icy slipperiness, the panic at 4am of not getting anyway in an assignment. If I look right ahead at the white wall in front of me, feeling the humidity surrounding me, all those dinners I've shared with my good friends could all have been a figment of my imagination. And yet I can feel it, deep in my bones I know they were real. Yes, time rolls on like a ball of snow tumbling down a steep hill. Faster and faster it goes, and I just happened to be counting down the seconds it takes to hit the ground. 

Life skills. 

This is by far the most observable learning I have, in my eyes. I confess I grew up slightly (maybe more than just slightly) brattish. Going to university with no one to help cook your food OR most importantly clean up the dishes changes the whole game. In fact, red flags pop up when I run out of underwear and have to dry them using a hairdryer. God... university leaves us with such fine tales. I've learnt how to cook for one, or for many, cleaning, talking to people, living with people, learning what pisses me off and what makes me happy. Learning how to use microsoft fucking word and all its formatting shit. Learning how to SURVIVE because when its 8pm and you're too sick to get out of bed to feed your starving stomach, or when you have 10 pounds for the rest of the month and an empty fridge, or when you screwed up that one time over an assignment. You learn not just to get up, but how to move on. You learn to survive. 

University can be the best days of your life.

But not necessarily. It can be because when else can you drop "I'm a student" and get a free pass off any stupid mistake you made. When else do you get to be selfishly brattish and have your lecturers literally holding your hand guiding you away from the dark (if you let them). When else do you get the support of an institution, the FULL support of your parents, the support of other likeminded peers. Likeminded young 20 year olds that are just as lost as you are acting more like kids than young adults. Throwing yoghurts at other blocks, lauching into full sofa stealing mode, transferring your roomates' ENTIRE room OUTSIDE to mirror exactly what it was liek in a room. To be able to wake up at 11am every single day without ever knowing what the air smells like at 6am, have your entire social circle be 5 minutes away. It's like they designed university to make your life easy. But God forbid that the three years should be my best, because I have decades to go in this life.

Life goes on.

To be fair, this I learned after finishing the entire process, graduation included. I learn that as much as I want to put those years on repeat, it is a place I can never revisit. I want to sit and cry and hole myself up in the illusion that I am still a student, but time kind of just leaves me behind. So I do too. 

A new beginning...

what in the world have you been up to these days?

I don't know. But, I think that,

I am on a journey of self discovery. I believe that my being is painted in arrays of colour not confined by the spaces set by traditions and norms. That while I'm yearning for a passion, my soul burns not for just one thing. It's a struggle I've face for years, but I am learning day by day how to achieve a balance towards a place where I can finally find serenity, not in the face of quietness, but in the midst of a beautiful chaotic mess.

Through the things my eyes have seen, the sounds my ears have heard, experiences I've lived, land I've traversed, people I've met... As I've said, there can be no way that I will be just one thing. 

So what have I been doing these days?

I've graduated. Congratulations to me.

I guess.

Since, I've decided to take a year off. Yes, or at least some time off. I'm infinitely blessed to still be able to have food on the table without having to earn it yet, and that my angel of a father lets me fly among the clouds wandering and letting the wind steer me for this hopefully temporary period. What I intend to do may not turn out to be what becomes my reality, but I hope to fill this time with as many experiences as I possibly can. Maybe this will bring me closer to my understanding.

Or maybe it won't. Just like all my other attempts to find my soul.

But alas. I'm young, I'm naive, I still believe. 

Yes. I still believe.

Hello there.

I have a name and I am 22 years old. 

In fact, I just turned the other day and started working in a new place (on my birthday yes). 

If I handed over my resume to my 16 year old self, I'd probably said it was fake. Or that it cannot possibly be mine. I graduated with a degree that I didn't know about then, in a university I didn't know existed, and have filled up the remaining blank spaces with things I never thought I'd do. 

It's a good thing, yes. But to me, it's like I've lost sense of who I am. The very essence of my being is diluted with fragments of experiences such that I can no longer ever piece together a complete and whole version of me. And still I continue to wander aimlessly into the unknown wilderness, though I feel a strange pull coming from way back in my history.

Maybe I'm afraid. 

I'm sure I'm afraid. 

These days, I feel like disappearing to somewhere foreign and unknown. It doesn't even have to be new, I just don't want to know anybody. I want to be drowned in my loneliness, undisturbed my what people think. Somewhere I am so new and different that social norms will never conform, at least for me... 

God... what have I been doing all these years?

well.

What do you want?

I want to curl my fingers round my shoulders, tightly till you can see the blood squeezed through my skin. I want to shake my body violently, repeating that question, what is it do you really want?

It feels not too long ago when I was sitting in humid class room, just a little right from the nearest fan screaming at myself to turn my focus towards the teacher in the front. Then, I thought surely I was going to end up somewhere different, somewhere special. I was battling my inner securities and my outwardly different interests. The world was both so big and so small at the same time, my 16 year old mind could not see the vast landscape it beheld. In a few blinks I am back in the same city wondering how I end up like this, sitting in front of my couch with a bachelors that I never thought I'd take. 

I think I graduated in something I can't quite care about that much. But then sometimes, I do.

6 years later I'm asking the exact same question non the wiser. How do I go forward? How is it that some people show close to zero struggle in accepting their call towards their chosen profession. How is it that some others can't quite give a damn what they do. How is it that my battle can seem so eternal, and that my passion not quite strong enough, my talent not quite eminent enough, yet my doubt can never go away.   

6 years I tried to forget, to decipher the code that lies somewhere in the deep corners of my heart. When people ask me what of the future my answer is I don't know, because I truly don't. Sometimes I fear I will never reach my answer. But time will be the only answer and I won't dwell too long on that. This odd sensation of being happy and not quite knowing what in the world seems to be the cage I am caught a prisoner in.

Carpe diem.

I have both been able and not been able to do it. 

My life is a constant contradiction. 

This one life...

My soul or my selfishness.

I can't pull the strands apart from each other. I can't tell whether to charge onwards and upwards, or dramatically attempt to salvage what I once threw away, now sitting in a deep dark well, longing for a voice to speak.

What do you call it?

A moment of courage or a moment of stupidity. Why in my life do I feel that I encounter too many crossroads that I can't decide. I just can't/

Dinner for three or more...

Between dealing with feeling at a lost of post-dissertation stress and pre-assignment/exams deadlines, and after a week of just literally lying in bed and reading every single book I've wanted to (but couldn't) for an entire week, a cooking/baking bone seemed to have went off somewhere within the make up of my human anatomy.

Today's project consisted of red bean buns (intended to correct the failed attempt from two days ago), and barbeque pork belly, which is one of the best things in the world that is impossible to get here!

As I always like to think: success is best when you get to eat it. And satisfied my tummy certainly was. My photography skills probably needs a lot of brushing up, and so does my portioning skills, as can be seen with the different shapes of the buns. 

The barbeque pork is actually known as cha siew, of cantonese origin and wildly popular from where I come from. We eat it with noodles, in buns, with rice... it's just really good. I used the recipe from makansutra having search high and low around the internet and was not disappointed.  I would definitely recommend the recipe.

As with the red bean buns, they are better known as dou sha bao. Another one of my favourite eats. I especially love it when the buns are fluffy and have a slight sweetness to it, with the filling adding heavenly depth. Such a dish usually takes skills and probably trials and errors to arrive at the ideal. Needless to say, mine turned out satisfactory but certainly short of heavenly. Either way this recipe was the one I used and seem to provide a good guide for the baos, which can be filled with all kind of different things as you like. For example cha siew it self, butter, eggs, the list is endless. This recipe seems to achieve the fluffiness, but sugar is not explicitly included (and is an optional step as per the maker). My baos also turned out yellowish for some reason. I'm not sure what steps I should take to get it to be fluffier and whiter, also it doesn't seem to have that smooth matte-like skin.

I don't know. I'm not a pro. And this would be a second in my trial and error process to achieve real results. So its a step forward.

My term ended two days ago. It wasn't just the term, it was 8 months worth of work bundled and bounded into a 12000/60 pages booklet, dropped off at the undergraduate office with no indication of how it will turn out.  And I am paranoid, really really paranoid. But there's not much I can do now that I have released control of it. I can only pray that what I have done is enough.

Perhaps one of the reason I keep replaying reels of what I could have done is because I really don't know what to do with my life (sorry for being so melodramatic). For the past 2 months, and even more so the last month, all that has been on my mind was it. Before I sleep and first thing when I wake, it wall all my life revolved around. Now that it's gone quite a large part of me is gone too. But I guess its better this way, I was getting too exhausted anyway. 

I am also like, way too heavy due to all the dissertation eating. Not quite what I hoped for.

I hope with this post, goes my last lingering thoughts of dissertation.

my 100th...

One week has came and gone so swiftly looking back I cannot seem to pick out a single memorable event over the past week. Dissertation has brought me up and down places all while physically stagnant and often in the same position. There is not much confidence in what I have done and quite frankly, I think there is time but I somehow think there isn't time as well. I'm just not in any state to be making any thoughts. 

I really have no intentions of bogging anyone down with the weight of my dissertation, however it is literally all that runs through my mind every waking moment that there is no space left for me to think about anything, not to mention talk about anything else.

But since this is the 100th, and also since I find I rather enjoy taking a scroll through memory lane I shall attempt to paint a picture for my future self about my current state.

Note 1: I just bought things from Amazon that made me very happy. Granted 70% of it was paid for by a voucher, and that the items are very functional things. The first of them being my beautiful and super cute laptop case. I love it. period. I also got myself a Kindle case, because I can't stand scratches. The last thing I got was a USB, because after like 3 years of not having one, I decided fuck it its useful.

Note 2: You just got a new job. You are the student communications assistant. It pays well, but it has literally no working hours. You are both happy and disappointed about this. Happy because naturally most of your life is devoted to a very special project that you can't even bring yourself to mention. Disappointed because you'll still be broke most of the time.  But so far, its really quite awesome and please don't forget to thank God in church.

Note 3: You really want to buy a bento box from Amazon. You have also most certainly put on a lot of weight - dissertation weight. This is not an excuse, it really is a fact. The term has not ended, but you have decided to end this silliness right now and give yourself a two weeks fitness head start before easter holiday sets in. Hopefully, it WILL work this time. 

Note 4: in relation to the above, you are a fucking stress eater.

Note 5: No plans for easter whatsoever. Study? Not sure.... You are also very disturbed by your own lack of plans for the entire future ahead. WTF. Although you also find it quite cool...

Note 6: you have been sleeping early, and most importantly waking up early every single day. I am very impressed, and certainly hope that this continues. It is a good lifestyle.

I shall end this weird narration thing here. My life is literally very uninteresting right now. It is a robotic routine of sleeping before midnight and waking up at quarter to eight before heading to the library and wasting my life away there. 

Great.

Mid term crying crisis...

The amount of time I have spent in the Bill Bryson Library this past week alone, is more than my first two years as a student of Durham University. Looking back, my first two years was almost close to a joke. And that I was so lazy. Why was I so lazy?

These past few weeks have flew by too fast. For the first time ever in my life, I can proudly say that procrastination has not been something I have been plagued with. Yet still my deadline looms ahead, growing larger and larger by the minute, and I find myself in a precarious tipping point where I might just struggle to complete my big project. 

Each new week seems to throw a new stumbling block at me, playing with my mental sanity and roster of broken down goals to complete the entirety of the project. I cannot deal. 

I see it as my legacy of my three years, a culmination of what has made me, me, even beyond my university years, since the topic deals very much with things that are so pertinent in life back home. It is almost funny, how little my brain can function when I am not working, due to the amount of stress and continuous working hours I put in. Never ever have I ever done anything equal to this. 

And yet it may still not be enough! So I have to pray, because I know it is out of my control. I pray not to manipulate the outcome, I pray for grace to accept reality. I pray for strength to stay convicted. I pray for many things to keep my sanity in order.

Life has been pretty good to me. I have grown bigger, due to a lot of stress eating, and not enough exercising. Worst still is that the foods I gravitate to are incredibly high in their sugar content - my kryptonite. In other aspects, I still have not progressed anywhere in terms of planning my future after leaving university. Somehow, I manage to land the perfect part time job. One that I have been searching for, the entire time I've been here. In mashes the things I enjoy doing very much - writing, photography and videography. Under the student union, I am even paid to attend events! Though that certainly isnt the main focus, it is still a large perk. And so I give thanks.

I admit I still war on with myself in terms of my level of content. It is difficult for me to lower my expectations and accept reality, when for most of my life I have let my imaginations run as wild as the coldest wind. I'm still learning.

Reflections...

2am on new year's day, and I'm sitting on my desk wondering where did all of 2014 go. It's never been that big of an occasion to me, especially not after going all out celebratory mode for Christmas and all sorts of end of the year parties, schools out get togethers and meet up with friends sort of thing. But here in England, school certainly does not end in December. 

I guess its a good time to do some reflecting on my year, though I always find the time and reason to do so. 

I've some how adopted such a relaxed view of life over the past few months. I'm just sailing through the waves letting the wind to the navigating. I have no direction. And yet it is now that life demands of me to make a move. My future is so vastly wide open and now that it is more than impending I'm freezing. I can't seem to do anything.

As for the things that remain in my mind from last year: 

1. It started with a bang. We made non sensical crazy videos. The start of a new hobby that fuelled latter terms with so many good memories. 
2. Italy. I have a sneaky suspicion that my new perspective was derived from my 3 months in the country. It wasn't the typical exchange experience some one else might have liked or experience, but perhaps for me it was great. I had a lot of alone time to work on myself emotionally, mentally and physically. I travelled alone truly for the first time and found that I really like it. I found the type of travel I personally enjoy and perhaps found what I really care for in life. Not the lessons I thought I would learn but ones that are so vital to my self development.
3. Interned in a radio station. Met lots of amazing people over summer through the internship and the programme I was on. Questioned a lot of intentions and meaning of actions. It all seems like a facade, a comparison game covered by a veil of social entrepreneur goody goody tag lines. I can't buy into that. Maybe I really lost it in this period of time? I got really confused as to what I really want to do after. I wanted my questions to be answered, instead I opened up even more discussions with myself. Worst of all, they're all pretty wishy washy non objective thoughts that occupy the my attention. I can't make out real life decisions. 
4. Back in Durham. So lost. I made good friends, became somewhat friends, don't really know anything about friendship anymore. I can't tell you who I'd bring to an island if I had to choose. I find myself so easily irritated its just not right. I wander without a cause and find myself deeper in the woods. I'm just doing it all wrong. 
5. Germany. It was a breath of fresh air. I love it. It challenged me. I can't comprehend my thoughts anymore. Maybe I just really needed out of Durham. 

Each time I feel I inch closer towards a strong constant relationship it fails. I now fear I may never be fully understood, not even on a friendship sort of level. As opposed to previous years where my self development have been quite pronounced, I feel this past year was more of a mash up of feelings and emotions. I've grown, but more widespread. I feel like I'm only starting to know myself a little more. I'm starting to let go the pressures of competition and listen to my own inner voice. I'm starting to accept certain things that I couldn't. I'm learning to set plans to actions, and take them into reality. I'm starting to be myself and learn to accept my flaws. I'm learning what I like and what I don't like, I'm learning that I'm so picky and that I'm an incredibly fucking hard person to really connect with. I'm craving a deep connection with anyone. I'm inching ever so slowly to God, most importantly, snail's pace, but I'm getting closer.

I think I have way too much expectations not only on myself but on other people as well. When they don't meet them, I walk away and rather be alone so I can control my disappointment. I'm back to level zero.

Life really is funny isn't it. It refuses to follow your plans. 

On a totally unrelated point. I'm so trying to resit buying a Bodum hand mixer in lime green colour. Yes specific. This is basically what has been happening to me in the last half of the year. I am consumed with a really serious (though completely internal) thing, then I get distracted by some trivial thing that really doesn't make any difference to my life. 

Help. 2015. Be nice to me.

A goodbye and hello all the same...

It's not new year exactly just yet, but it sure is close by. I'm jumping ahead of time a little, even my reflections haven't been sorted out (I think I'm avoiding it really). I used to wait out for the date to start on whatever I intend to do - work, workout, resolutions. But I'm over with that. They usually never work and happen through a basis of aesthetics rather than real intentions. I'm not saying this time my plans and goals will stick through and see themselves out, but hopefully some of them can carry through. 

Just in case I have been way too abstract, I'm writing out my new years resolutions. I know some see it as a complete waste of time since it has been showed that they usually last only through February at latest. But I've got a few minutes to spare, and I'd be thinking of things regardless, so why not put it on the black and white just to solidify things a little more? 

I hope this year's resolutions will be more achievable and less abstract. I remember jotting down "being happy" as last year's. And while it is a great resolution, it is unachievable as a means in itself. I think I wrote it down because there was nothing much I really wanted to achieve. This time round, my thoughts are organised in more solid worldly steps - a good thing - so they're measurable, and observable (can you feel university academic life rubbing off on me?)

Without further ado, here goes. I want to

1. Make/bake/cook something special every week. There're a ton of recipes out there I am dying to get my hands on, and so far all my experiences of making edible goodies are always accompanies with joy - when they work out. When they fail, I learn from my failures. But they're so much more mistakes out there that I have been avoiding, and thus successes as well. So here's to a new year hopefully filled with a lot of good food from my kitchen! (Meanwhile I am resisting the absurd temptation to purchase a Bodum hand mixer for myself)
2. I want to get fit/lose weight/be healthy. For a little bit of back story to this, this have been a goal of mine for the longest of time. I've been slightly chubby ever since 15 and got bigger and bigger probably ballooning when I was 19. It's never gone completely out of hand but enough to make me feel very insecure and uncomfortable in my own skin. Last Easter term, I spent in Italy as an exchange student and managed to lose a ton of weight quite naturally (didn't check the scale, did workouts that I really enjoyed, ate wholesome food mostly due to a tight budget and the incredibly fresh produce that Tuscany allowed me!). It was the best I have felt in a long time. Unfortunately, I practically erased all the hard work over the summer when I went home and indulged too much and too frequently in all the goodness that I knew I would miss coming back to Durham. Once back, I tried very hard to once again gain a fitness regime, which did not turn out too successful. I'm hesitant to set a fixed number to this goal, but I think I am pass wishy washy statuses and have come to realise that solid goals are often more achievable than abstract ones. So here it is - hopefully 15 kgs by June. I must add that the number doesn't bother me much, but it could perhaps work as a guide to show me if I am progressing or going backwards. June is the month I will be graduating, no doubt when endless strings of photos would be taken. As much as I try to suppress narcissism, I want to be able to look back on them without shame. 
3. Read the bible. I grew up in a Christian family. I never read the bible. I've read one book of the bible for school, then I quit the subject altogether cause it was too hard. I can see a lot of maturity in myself just in looking at my resolutions. Again, I am addressing something I've never been able to do but have been intending to for quite a few years now. I finished the book of Mark just a few days ago, and that is only the start but it still counts as a first step. A journey of a thousand miles begins with a single step, the saying goes. For measurable purposes (again), I'll set a goal of at least 10 books read by the end of the year. And I don't mean just skimming and scanning, I hope to do reflections, studying and everything else that is suppose to accompany bible reading.
4. Send more snail mail. I was thinking of putting down something along the lines of being a better friend, staying in better contact with my friends etc. But like I said, too wishy washy. I enjoy writing, and especially enjoy writing to people. I have a couple of unsent letters and so perhaps combining writing and friendship is more doable for me. Perhaps it is the way for me to be able to keep in contact with my friends. I remember when I left home and was distanced from my friends for the first time, I wrote cards filled to the edges with words and never got back a reply. I was so disappointed. I love receiving mail too. But I'm older now, life doesn't always work out the way you want them to. And this is such a small issue. So for this year, I want to connect with my friends, actually stay in contact! I want them to know that my cold distance is due to my own inability to drop a casual hello through facebook because I overthink and I just can't. I want them to know that I do think of them, and that I do so rather frequently. That they make such an important part of my life. So for all the unsent letters that I have perhaps threw away into non existential abyss, I hope to write and send more to the people I truly care about.
5. Travel to France. I'm not taking for granted the blessings I have, but I know that it is almost inevitable that I will be travelling in the next year (could be my last time freely hopping around this continent as well). I've been meaning to go to France, and I feel it is somewhat of a must see. So I'm putting it down. Of all the resolutions, it is probably the toughest for me to achieve. 

I was expecting a very short and succinct list of things I want to achieve. It has turned out to be one of the wordiest pieces I've written in a rather long time. I'm glad it is as it is, cause it shows that there is substance beneath the intentions, meaning I may be able to see them out. 2015 for me will be filled with great uncertainty. I can only see as far as June, for when I graduate. After, I have made no attempts to fill in plans (though I really should) therefore beyond lies a space of black, blank list of things to do. I'm pretty sad that my time as an undergraduate will end with this academic year. I don't doubt that it will be one of the best times of my life, filled with so much freedom, and free time. However, I don't believe that it is the best part of my life. I am confident that more good things will come. So though filled with dread to see this end, I'm altogether rather excited as well (though no action's been made! Where are my action plans?!). At times it is interesting to see my sturdy mind and romantic heart battle together. 

I have this gut feeling that boredom will never be a trouble of mine, given that my mind whirls my body into a thousand different places, even when I am just in one physical place. My difficulty has always been companionship. I don't know how to be a friend and how to stay a friend. Life has a funny way of teaching us lessons, I am a curious learner and a semi good student (I used to be awesome, I don't think I am anymore sadly). 

My life is in constant motion
It stops and stares in intervals
Greeting new friends and old ones every now and then
But when the time comes, it leavee
Goodbye
Hello for another time, I won't forget you
Goodbye, see you again

Onwards and upwards.

Yule Log

For a friend's Christmas do, I was thinking of making a Swiss Roll. Ambitious, since I never made one before, and the possibilities of failing - cracks in the cake - is so high! After a lot of though, I decided why not make a yule log? It is that time of the year, and it is basically a chocolate swiss roll with icing on top. 

This turned out to be a great decision given that the cake comprised a few too many cracks. I'm not sure what when wrong, but I could possibly attribute it to first the cake not being light and fluffy enough because I found out that my electric whisk has turned hazardous and had to resort in manual whisking, which was clearly not effective enough. And secondly to my cake tin which may have been a little too long resulting in a thicker and short cake, thus harder to roll. However, the heavenly chocolate ganache covered it and made it look absolutely divine! So all was good.

I used the recipe from BBC which I found to be very concise and simple to follow. It was a hit with the cake being wiped clean off the plate. I am really pleased how it turned out and look forward to making it again and improving. The chocolate ganache was not too sweet and neither was the cream. Further, the cake was a good slice of chocolate cake, albeit mine being a little bit more dense than what it should have been. I would definitely highly recommend anyone to attempt this for a dinner party, especially since the chocolate ganache really acts as a saving grace, and it is such a crowd pleaser. 

Recipe: 

Chocolate Sponge

4 large eggs

100g caster sugar

65g self-raising flour

40g cocoa powder

Chocolate ganache topping

300ml pint double cream

300g dark chocolate

Cream Filling

300ml double cream, whipped

Method:

1. Preheat oven to 200C. Lightly grease Swiss roll tin with non-stick paper, make sure you push it into the corners.

2. For the sponge, whisk eggs and sugar in a large bowl until it is pale, light and frothy. It should enlarge until approximately triple in size. Sift in the flour and cocoa powder, mixing it using a spatula to avoid beating out the air.

3. Pour mixture into the tin and bake for 8-10 minutes.

4. After the cake is baked, place it on a baking paper bigger than the Swiss roll tin. Dust with icing sugar and carefully invert the cake onto the paper and remove the bottom lining piece of paper.

5. Cut a score mark 2.5cm along one of the longer edges. Start rolling with the paper inside and sit it on its outside edge to cool.

6. Meanwhile, get started on the ganache topping by heating up the cream. Remove it from the heat and add the chocolate mixing it until the chocolate is completely combined and melted. Cool to room temperature and store it in the fridge.

7. Unroll the Swiss roll and remove the paper. Spread the whipped cream on top and re-roll tightly. Cut a quarter of the cake off from the end on the diagonal. Transfer the large piece of cake to a serving plate and angle the cut end to  make a branch.

8. Spread the chocolate icing on the Swiss roll and use a knife or fork to create a bark tree pattern. You can choose to cover up the ends of the cake or leave them as they are.

9. The recipe calls for dusting with icing sugar, but I don't mind foregoing this as the icing sugar dissolves very quickly into the icing. So it stays as a decoration for only a very short period of time.

I had a good time making this cake and an even better time eating it. People were impressed and it certainly is a good addition to any Christmas table. Go get yourself some chocolate, flour, eggs and sugar and get starting on this Yule Log! You will not be disappointed.

Good WIll. Hunting. for a life?

I don't know how to be a friend. Especially not when we don't have compulsory schedules we all have to adhere to - college classes - which makes me scared of what might happen after all this ends. I don't know how to be a good friend. Because without constant contact, it is extremely hard for me to pick up a hello at you and run right through with it.

I last wrote in March, and a lot of have passed since then and now. I went on exchange to Italy, hated it then loved it then didn't want to leave, then left. Went home, started an internship, left with mixed feelings. Stayed at home for a whole month battling internal scars, and here I am back in my little northern snowball.

Perhaps I didn't think it possible to be anymore fickle than I was, but I sure am now, particularly when the timing for decision making is at its utmost importance. Additionally, the fear of failure and inferiority is weighing my whole soul down. Repeatedly my parents are telling me that the bar of expectations I have imagined them to set is exactly that - imaginary. For they couldn't care less what I do after this year, as long as I am happy. I find it hard to reconcile with that truth, given that if all I wanted to be was happy, my choices may have been very different from what they were. And even as the words roll through my throat and out of my tongue, I find it hard to digest that I can't.

My situation now is that postgraduate studies is in consideration, though I feel I would much prefer to take a year out instead of jumping straight into it. That in itself presents a problem as getting a job isn't the easiest thing to do here. Not when you have visa requirements and every other person is eyeing the same thing as you. It could have been easier if my hate for the cold overcame all other feelings, but my theory that it takes 2 years for me to start loving a place seems to be coming true as I mean less and less when I say things like "I hate Durham", because I really don't anymore. Not even the cold, and that is huge.

It is odd that I can be so attached to my own emotions and so emotionally unattached to the rest of the world. Why it feels so difficult to return a text message or some other form of social media connection is beyond me. Sometimes I feel like I could live my days alone in a hut on an island somewhere and be perfectly fine. And I know that I think too much but there is nothing I can do about it, it is inherently who I am to overthink things. But I am learning how to deal with my thoughts. For one, I have decided to cut the negativity. Success is yet to be near unity but I'm trying. I guess the next thing for me would be to change the way I view things.

It is funny how things seem so different with a deadline. I can practically count the number of weeks I have left here. I am torn between wanting a life back home and enjoying the way things are as I have come to love right here. And the possibilities stretch and endless road, I'm not sure whether I should keep poking my nose around things without direction or if I should start following some sort of structure towards the way I live.

But I will never be able to string words so beautifully as you do. And my fingers will never flow so effortlessly on the keyboard like you, all the fingerboard. My strokes will never be as divine as yours. My upper bound will always be less than yours. My hips a little wider, I'll never be taller, sharper, wittier... I can't beat myself up for things that are not worth feeling guilty over.

Thank you...

There are times when nothing else can suffice except saying thank you. Thank you to the universe, thank you to God, thank you to all the people who pulled the strings that made the show, thank you to all the people who somehow or another cross your path and inevitably made an impact on the way things turned out.

I can tell you one of the things I hate most is walking up the stupid hill on Sunday nights for 3 hour long orchestra rehearsal sessions. By the end of it I am always knackered and the new week would have just started by the time I snuggle into bed trying to get an ounce of rest. 

Tonight, our concert just made everything so worth it, a million times over. Somehow everything just fell into place. Everyone was helpful and super sweet, the music was amazing and you know the audience felt that they had a bargain having only had to pay £3.50 to watch the concert. I have no words except pure happiness for it.

I cannot help but keep track of the bodies filling the seats and mentally summing up the amount we have in our little red metal ticket money box. As treasurer, it really is all that occupies my mind. So it would be an understatement to say that I was pleasantly surprised by the fact that we had to add additional rows to accommodate people. I will end my term not bankrupting my society!

For that, I cannot thank the Lord enough because that aspect is totally out of my hands. We did not sacrifice quality for budget and yet managed to churn out a good show while maintaining a low cost and high revenue. I got lucky this time, I know it had little to do with me. But the state of the financial account is directly under my responsibility and I just cannot believe that I will pass it down in such good health. 

So I can only say thank you, thank you, thank you... For all who have made this happened, but most of all, to God most high who led me into directions I did not want to take, but made sure I learnt a lesson or two showing me what can be done along the way.

Thank you.

Looking so fine...

I am usually not one for appearances in terms of food, but having your food look good on camera gives you a huge satisfactory knowing you can look back again and again to reminiscence on the time you spent whipping up the cream until your right arm hurts so bad but you can't change because your left arm is useless... 

Anyway, the occasion is a friend's birthday, he is fussy and loves strawberries. I'm not sure what his reception to this cake would be but if he doesn't like it I swear I'll punch his face.

Whatever it is, I am really happy with how it turned out! Now all I have to do is wait for tasting day :)

Have a great day everybody. :)

5,4,3,2. 1...

Four birthdays. Each and everyone of them involved a surprise so intricately planned and carefully executed, inspiring tears, laughter and more than a little love.

The minute hand covered the circumference of the clock faster than I thought it would as I spent my night cutting out pencil outlines of alphabets spelling out "Happy Birthday" that will take their seat on a pink floral piece of paper. Shuffling them around, I realised that my past month was filled with lots of giving to friends in the hopes of making them feel loved while a million miles away from home on their special day.

And as I feel my liveliness ebbing away as the dark pulls on, I couldn't help but wonder if anyone out there would do the same for me. I'm not asking for love or attention, but sometimes it feels like I'm in a marathon race all by myself, each step getting heavier than the last one. 

But loneliness has been my constant companion throughout my first year, I'm not sure why I am so afraid to face it now. The emotions that run through the blood in my veins now so different from what they used to be. I can no longer answer any question with enough conviction, not even to myself. What can I do about it aside from just going through the deep dark tunnel searching for my way out? I am now so familiar with this feeling of being utterly lost I'm afraid the dreams will stop. 

I guess this is all part of being a student wanting so badly something that she cannot even recognise. But I won't ask for anything, I refuse to. I know I'm proud, but I also know that the universe doesn't owe me anything, as my dad reminds me ever so often. I'll continue to pick up the stones along my path making up experiences that will undoubtedly shape a future for me, one that I can call my own.